


What The Water Gave Me

by AmyBot3000



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:25:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4373621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyBot3000/pseuds/AmyBot3000
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Clarke looks back on what happens that day in the stillness of the ocean, the day that their lives change forever, she realises that it doesn't happen like the movies always showed her.</p>
<p>Or the less pretentious summary: Clarke goes to the beach, does a bit of 'surfing' with Raven, there's a bit of an owie, then eventually everyone goes to college to deal with some emotions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"I don't think we're going to get any proper waves." Clarke muttered dejectedly. With a frown on her face, she looked across at Raven from her straddled position on her surf board.

As if to prove her point, a small wave rocked underneath their boards. The blonde pouted at how pathetic they must have looked. The only two people across the whole beach who thought it would be possible to surf in the stillest ocean she had ever seen. Another tiny wave rocked them.

Raven smiled at her before moving her body to lay flat on her own board. "No shit, Clarke."

Sighing, Clarke squinted her eyes to look up at the sky above them. There was only the faintest wisp of cloud visible in the endless blue. "Weathers' still pretty good."

"Hmm sun kissed Reyes, it has a nice ring, I think I might forgive you for a wasted surf trip."

Another wave rocked Clarke, harder than the gentle sway of the others. Twisting around, Clarke tried to look for it, but there was only the small ripples that had been mocking her since swimming out. "I really wanted to surf."

"Maybe tomorrow buttercup, today we get our tan on." Raven quipped. Clarke let out a puff of air at Raven's words, watching the brunette relax her head onto the surf board, laughing gently. "Three weeks till college Griffin, I'm sure you'll get to surf at least once."

The mention of college had Clarke wanting to slip off the board and into the ocean to just drown. Getting away from their small town would be great, moving closer to her mother again was another story. It had only been a year since her mom had moved into the city for her new job, but going from the freedom of living in their old apartment alone with Raven, to living five blocks away from her mother was just going to strain their relationship. _A_ _gain_.

"Ugh, don't remind me. This is going to be my last break for _years_." Clarke frowned, before shifting her own body until she was laying face down on the board. Tilted her head towards the other girl, Clarke let her eyes trace the outline of the brunette's face, her hand subconsciously drawing her in the water.

"You really think I'm going to let you go five years without a break?" Raven asked, a single eye squinting open at her.

Clarke snorted at that, because no she didn't expect Raven would. They had only lived together a year, but Raven had already managed to change Clarke's whole outlook on life. That whole outlook being why study all the time and miss the perfect opportunity to have fun. Clarke smirked when she remembered arguing with the brunette and Wells about how she could have fun before she had promptly burst into tears, because her dad had only died three years before and that was still randomly happening back then.

"You? No.” Clarke agreed, a smile twitching at her mouth. “My mom? Definitely."

"Mama Griffin just wants the best for you, I'll keep her at bay." The flirty tone in Raven's voice had Clarke grimacing. She still wasn't entirely sure how much of the brunettes affection towards her mother was real and how much was to make her feel as uncomfortable as possible.

"Raven, seriously." Clarke gagged.

"Did I ever tell you about the time she invited me over?"

"Oh Jesus..."

Yes, Raven had told Clarke the story before. She had also told all her friends. And most the strangers they had ever met.

"It was great, 'Hi Raven, it's Abby, Clarke's mum'." Raven grinned, her voice coming out high pitched, and far too dramatically nasal to be anything like Clarke's mother.

"My mom does _not_ speak like that."

The brunette just shut her eyes again and continued. "'Can you come over and check over my pipes for me, mmm wear your sexy underwear, hot stuff'."

"I'm actually going to kill you." Clarke growled, but despite her threat she couldn't stop the slight laugh that bubbled out afterwards.

"You can't kill your future step mom, Clarkey baby." Clarke rolled her eyes, and tried her hardest not to join in with Raven's boisterous laughter.

Silence settled between them once more, the only sound coming from the beach behind them and their hands lightly tracing through the water.

It became a game then, each of them lightly hitting each others hand before scooting away with the other chasing it. Clarke let out a sigh, her whole body relaxing in a way it only ever did when she was around Raven. For possible the millionth time, she thanked Finn for being such a fuck up two years ago. Without him cheating on them both they never would have become such close friends. The whole situation still made her cringe though. How Finn thought he could date two people who were friends to begin with was beyond her.

Ever since Finn happened, every Friday night Raven would pick an action movie for them to watch together. They would spend half their time trying to throw popcorn in each others mouths, and the other half laughing at how unbelievable each sequence was. They had seen countless movies in that way, but none of them prepared Clarke for what happened when she felt the second sudden rough wave underneath her surf board. A wave that was perpendicular to the tide.

In the movies it didn't start with the feel of rough skin just under the surface of the water, passing gently against her finger tips. And when it begins, she's not supposed to be able to see the water bending upwards as a snout breaches the water. There wasn't meant to be time for her to look up at Raven, who's eyes were now open and staring down at the black eyes facing her. Clarke looked back down, watching the jaws open, it's teeth hovering over Raven's back. Neither of them moved, they both stayed frozen watching it slowly close its mouth around the surf board.

In the movies it was fast, it was quick, there was no time to think or process what was happening. Part of Clarke wished that was how it had happened, then she wouldn't have to remember each excruciating detail.

"Shark." Clarke's voice quietly croaked.

Raven managed to scream. The sudden sound cut through Clarke and the eerie calm around them, but neither of them had time to stop the brunette's body being pulled from the board and into the water below with barely a splash.

The sun continued to beat down on Clarke's back. The distant sound of children laughing on the beach remained. The light rocking of her surf board on the gentle waves carried on as if nothing had happened. It was that calm, the deceptive tranquillity all around her that tricked Clarke into doing it. At least that's what Clarke chose to believe as she let her own body slide off her board, head first into the water.

Clarke struggled to see through the salt that was stinging against her eyes. When the haze cleared, her stomach clenched, the need to throw up burning through her. There was red _everywhere_. It was blood. Raven's blood.

She knew somewhere behind the veil of crimson there was a shark, possibly with Raven still in it's grasp. Clarke's mind was still reeling at the thought. Desperately, she tried to swirl the blood out of the way with her hands. With the cloud finally starting to thin, Clarke spotted the brunette. She didn't stop to look if the shark was still there before she was pulling against the water to get to her.

There was a desperation to Clarke's strokes, and the burning in her eyes intensified with every blink as she swam against the water. Clarke couldn't lose Raven, not after losing her father, not after losing Charlotte, not after losing Wells. She wouldn't let Raven join the foot note of losses in her life. She wasn't going to let Raven become someone else she had to mourn.

As Clarke swam closer, she barely stopped herself from retching and she had to fight the urge to suck in a breath of air. Raven's body was hanging lifelessly in the water with swirls of red spiralling from her side. Each tooth mark, each rip around the girl's stomach was letting out it's own pulse of blood. Clarke's lungs started burn with the need to scream.

Out the corner of her eyes, she caught sight of the shadow that was circling around them. She knew what it was. Her heart started to thunder as the kicked the final few feet to reach the brunette.

There was an urgency to Clarke's movements as she slipped her arm around Raven's stomach, her eyes following the puncture wounds that wrapped around her body, ending directly over her spine. The blood continued to swirl around the wound, and Clarke quickly kicked her legs to the surface, pulling Raven's back flush to her front to get her head above the water.

Clarke wasn't sure she would ever be able to find the words to describe the relief she felt when Raven let out a pained cry the moment her head breached the water. She was _alive_.

"I've got you," Clarke panted. Twisting her body, she pulled against the water with one arm and started to drag Raven towards her abandoned surf board. "You're going to be okay."

She wasn't sure if the reassurances that were spilling from her lips were more for herself than Raven, but the brunettes sobs started even out and her injured body relaxed into hers.

"Come on Raven, stay with me." Clarke ordered. Another pull and they were next to the board. "I need you to get on the board, come on one last push."

Raven let out another harsh breath. Each time the brunette made a sound, Clarke felt like she was going to break because she was still alive and they were going to make it. They worked together to slide Raven's body onto the board, and Clarke tried not to hear when Raven whimpered that she couldn't feel her legs. Their eyes met again, and Clarke started kicking, pushing the board back towards the shore.

They had almost made it when the screaming from the beach, and the widening of Raven's eyes warned Clarke of what was going to happen.

"Oh."

Clarke didn't fight it. Instead she gave the board one last push, and watched Raven's eyes disappear from view as she was gently pulled under the waves.

There was no pain in her leg. Just an odd pressure. Clarke wondered if it felt this gentle to Raven when the shark pulled her in.

Carefully, Clarke twisted her body and took in the sight of her leg between its jaws. There was some kind of disconnect in her mind because she didn't panic. She just felt the calm of the sea around her as it glided along with her, pulling her away from the shore line. It was strange to see the animal so close, and the blonde knew that sharks were big, but actually seeing it this close? Actually being along side it? It just made her feel so _small._ So powerless.

In the past few years, after the sudden death of her father, and then losing Charlotte and Wells right in front of her eyes, Clarke had thought about her own death. In all the scenarios she had conjured up, _this_ was never one of them. The brief thought of what would happen afterwards crossed her mind. She wondered if they would ever find her or if her friends and family would have to mourn an empty coffin. She wondered if Raven would blame herself for this, and Clarke hoped she wouldn't.

Clarke felt the panic finally starting to bubble beneath the surface then, because she was very suddenly aware that she wasn't going to see any of her friends again. She wasn't going to see her mother again. A sob threatened to tear from her throat, but Clarke held it in, even as her lungs started to burn for her to breathe. Even though she knew it was hopeless, even though she knew she couldn't possibly make it she had to hang on as long as possible, she had to _try_.

The last time she spoken to her mom, Clarke had hung up without saying goodbye. The last time she had spoken to Bellamy, he had ruffled her hair and said he would pick her up the next morning. The last time she had spoken to Octavia she... She couldn't remember, and blackness was starting to flicker across Clarke's vision as she tried to remember anything at all.

A sudden pulse of pain exploded through Clarke's leg as the shark suddenly turned. All her thoughts could concentrate on was the tearing of her flesh. It felt like the shark had been dragging her for hours. Clarke was starting to wonder if it still remembered there was something in its mouth, or if it would just keep swimming towards the deep blue of the ocean until she drowned.

With another jolt of pain, the shark finally let go.

Clarke could just about hear a distant rumbling coming from above her as she watched it swimming away. There was a gracefulness to the way it swam, its tail slowly moving from side to side as it left behind the red haze of blood that was forming around her. A pressing thought in the back of the blonde's mind told her that she needed to breathe, now, but her whole body sank when she looked up. There were two more sharks circling above her.

It was something she had never seen before, the way the ocean parted underneath them, or the way a third shark suddenly appeared between them. Clarke braced herself and sucked in a breath of water to her lungs as it approached.

Except.

It wasn't a shark. It was a person.

The mysterious woman came down to Clarke's eye level, her wide green eyes briefly staring into Clarke's own before she was quickly around the back of her, and pulling the blonde up towards the surface.

The moment Clarke's head was above the water, she choked out the water inside her. The woman behind her slapped her back harshly, forcing more of it to spill out of the blonde's mouth and back into the ocean. There was a board on the back of the jet ski closest to Clarke, and another woman pulled her limp body onto it, quickly followed by the woman in the water.

"Lexa! Is she still alive?" The woman on the jet ski asked.

Everything around Clarke was spinning, and her eyes closed on their own accord. She could feel warm hands on the back of her head, lifting it until it was resting on what she assumed was the woman from the waters lap.

"Yes! Now go! It tried to take her fucking leg off!"

Clarke groaned in discomfort as the bite on her leg started to ache, but the pain just reminded her of what happened to her. Of what happened to _Raven_.

With another groan, Clarke opened her eyes. The same worried green eyes from the water were looking down at her.

“Raven... Where..."

The woman above her shushed her, her thumbs rubbing across Clarke's cheeks. "Your friend's already on the beach." She replied calmly.

Clarke wasn't sure if it was the truth, or if the woman was just telling her that to keep her calm. Either way Clarke started to cry.

"It... Hurts now." Her voice broke into a sob. The pain in her leg was _throbbing_ and Clarke cried even harder when she remembered Raven's broken voice telling her she couldn't feel her legs.

"It's okay, you're going to be okay, you're safe."

The soft feeling of the woman's thumbs across her cheek was the last thing Clarke felt before she closed her eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And of course by 'Modern AU' I meant 'Shark Attack AU'... Easy mistake.

Clarke let out a heavy sigh. The clear sky above her and the gentle rocking of the waves beneath her surf board was all too familiar.

The memory of that day on the ocean was a distant one. Clarke remembered it happening. Sort of. She definitely remembered being scared. Maybe it should still terrify her to be out on the sea again, but it didn't. Instead there was just a quaint peacefulness. Clarke wasn't sure just how far she had floated out, and she wondered if maybe Raven was around anywhere. Maybe Bellamy and Octavia were out there with her, she would like to see them all again.

"Hey Clarke, do you think we'll get to surf today?" Raven asked, her voice sounding distant. Clarke shifted her gaze and smiled at the girl relaxing beside her. Raven was happily smiling back at her, her brown eyes twinkling with mirth.

The blonde was about to respond when she spotted it. An ominous grey fin was poking out the water behind just behind Raven. Suddenly the sea was engulfing her body, and Clarke didn't even _remember_ diving into the sea, but she began swimming with everything she had to reach Raven anyway.

"Raven! Raven move! Raven!" She called, her voice is hoarse.

Despite how hard Clarke's arms were powering across the water, Raven remained stuck in the distance. The brunette continued to just lay there, a smile on her face. Clarke couldn't understand why she wasn't responding, her friend needed to move because the shark was getting closer, and Clarke _knew_ what was going to happen next.

"Raven! Raven! Fuck, Rave-"

Water burnt straight into Clarke's lungs, the pain in her leg coursing all the way up her body as she was pulled under. Helplessly, she watched the surface growing further and further away. She was going to drown, she was going to die, it was going to kill her and-

"Clarke!"

The sound of her name being called had Clarke's eyes flying open. The bright light of the room around her seared directly into her retinas, but she kept them open regardless, staring into the concerned brown eyes of Thelonious Jaha.

"Calm down, you're in the hospital." He explained calmly, his hands holding her arms down to stop what Clarke assumed was her thrashing body from moving too much.

"Jaha?" She asked, her voice grating against her throat. Clarke tried to swallow back the dryness. Jaha seemed to understand her predicament, and gave her arms one last squeeze before letting them go to pour her some water.

"Quite the scare you gave us there, Clarke." He smiled at her, pressing the small cup of fluid to her dry lips.

Greedily, she started gulping down the entire cup. The relief was instant, the dryness in her throat quickly dissipating with every mouthful. It was only when he pulled the cup away from her mouth that Clarke became aware of the throbbing in her leg.

"Not a dream then?" She asked wryly.

"No, not a dream." He replied, his kind eyes look into hers.

As her eyes continued to adjust, Clarke realised he was in his police uniform, the captain badge worn proudly on his chest. It surprised her sometimes that Thelonious decided to stay a part of the Griffin's lives after Wells died, and she still wondered if a part of him blamed her for his death. If maybe Clarke should have seen the signs of what Charlotte was going to do.

Clarke shuddered at the memory of that night. She wasn't sure what she was fearing most in her dreams now. Replays of the night Wells was killed or replays of the day her and Raven-

Clarke shot upright. "Raven?!"

"She's okay." Jaha replied quickly. His strong hands were on her arms again, pushing her back onto the bed. "She's okay, she's in the room over the hall."

Clarke settled back onto the mattress again, her head pounding from her sudden movements.

"How are you feeling Clarke?" Thelonious asked once the painful crease was gone from her brow.

"Tired." Her voice sounded hoarse again, and Clarke coughed gently to try and relieve it.

"No pain?"

Clarke hummed, her leg felt like it was burning down to the bone, but she shook her head regardless. She had never been particularly good with pain medication, and falling asleep now wasn't something she wanted. She knew what was waiting for her in her dreams.

"Where's my mom?" She asked instead.

"Same place you were." Thelonious replied with a grin. Clarke's brow furrowed in confusion because she was in the hospital and her mom clearly wasn't there with her.

"What?" Clarke asked, her head tilting.

A smile pulled across Thelonious's face again, but Clarke couldn't reciprocate it. "Surgery. I called Marcus, we thought it was best to let her finish before telling her, she's driving down now." His eyes stayed calm and kind, but Clarke knew her own didn't offer the same courtesy.

"What?!" The offence in her voice unmissable, and Thelonious withdrew his hand immediately.

"We just did what we thought was best, Clarke. Your mother had been preparing the kid for that surgery for weeks." He explained.

It could be the medication, or the fact she had just woken up, but Clarke had to fight the overwhelming urge to slap her hand across the side of his face. What the hell gave the pair of them the right to decide that for them. It was her _mother_.

Clarke was about to respond, and possibly get herself arrested, when the radio on his hip crackled. She recognised Thelonious's badge number immediately. Even after the death of his son, he had kept it as Wells's birthday.

"I've got to take this, hang tight, she'll be here soon okay." He tried to reassure her.

Clarke could see the unspoken apology in Thelonious's eye, but she couldn't bring herself to hold his gaze. Ducking her head, Clarke picked at the bed sheet beneath her until he was finally gone.

It was only when she heard the door click shut that Clarke pushed herself up in the bed again. The room was almost completely white, with only the dark blue floor and blinds breaking up the starkness. There were flowers in the vase next to her bed, providing an additional splash of colour.

Reaching out, Clarke let her fingers run over the bright yellow sunflowers. She knew they must have been left by Thelonious, they had always been a favourite of his late wife. He had meant well by not pulling her mom out of surgery, and Clarke couldn't help the flash of guilt she felt at how she treated him before he left.

Clarke dropped her hand from the flower and scoured the room. There were crutches tucked beside the table next to her bed and a terrible idea popped into her head. Clarke knew her mom was going to be furious with her for doing it, she could practically see her disapproving glare.

Quashing the image in her mind, Clarke threw back the sheet.

The sight of the stark whist gauze against her leg made her to pause. She was almost too afraid to try and move her toes because the last time Clarke had seen her right leg it was caught in the jaws of a shark.

Clarke shivered at the memory. It felt so surreal, like her mind had made it up in her worst nightmare. But the evidence was right in front of her.

Clarke extended her hand down to her damaged leg as far as she could stretch, dragging her fingers over the rough material that travelled from her ankle all the way up to her knee. She shuddered to think how many stitches they had to put in to fix the skin back together. It took a couple of minutes of just staring at her foot before Clarke mustered the courage to move her toes. She almost cried when each tiny appendage moved without any pain or hesitation.

Shifting her legs over the side of the bed, Clarke clutched at the sheets, her teeth biting into her lip. Actually using the crutched proved even harder. Her first effort had her almost crumpling to the floor as the pain sky rocketed up her leg. Using her good leg, Clarke leant all her weight forwards and hissed as she rose up from the bed.

The hallway was quiet when she opened the door. Despite the pain setting her nerve endings on fire, Clarke quickly manoeuvred herself across the open space before any of the nurses could notice she was out of her bed.

She only hesitated for the briefest of moments outside Raven's door before pushing inside. The room was much the same as her own, except Raven's vase remained void of any flowers. It broke Clarke's heart to know her friend wouldn't have any family visiting her.

Raven looked small in the hospital bed, and memories of the time Clarke discovered just how bad things were for Raven at home swelled in her. For all of her mother's flaws, she had only let Raven's mom hospitalize the brunette once. The moment she caught wind of what was really happening at the Reyes household, she had stepped in immediately and offered Raven a place in their own apartment.

Clarke still remembered how scared she was then that maybe Raven wouldn't wake up, or maybe she wouldn't want to see her. That same doubt was gnawing at her now.

Clarke realised the sound of the door had gone unnoticed by the other girl, and she cleared her throat. Raven whipped her head around, shock clearly showing on her face, and Clarke _hoped_ it was the good kind. "Clarke?"

Tears welled up in Clarke's eyes and the feeling of guilt that swelled up inside her was almost crushing. Raven was in the hospital again and it was all her fault. It had been her idea to go to the beach, _her_ idea to swim out so far.

"Hey Clarke, come on, what's wrong?" Raven asked, concern lacing her voice. The sound of the brunette's voice had Clarke's heart breaking even more. She couldn't stop the tears overflowing down her face as she bit back a sob.

"I'm so sorry Raven, I'm-" Clarke choked on another sob before she could finish. She couldn't look at her friend any more, not when she might see the blame she was sure would be there. It was _her_ fault, Raven hadn't even wanted to go out that day, Clarke had made her go-

"Oh, of course, this is all your fault." The sarcasm in Raven's voice was unmissable. Clarke could almost hear the eyeroll that must have accompanied it too. "What the fuck, Clarke? Sit down, clearly not your fault, so stop apologising."

Clarke forced herself to try and quash the guilt that was still threatening to choke her. Looking up at Raven again, she felt the overwhelming need to hug the girl. Clarke motioned to her with the arm that wasn't holding her weight. "Can I?" She asked.

“I... Probably not." Raven grimaced before pulling back the covers. The same white gauze that covered Clarke's own leg was wrapped around the brunette's whole of her torso. "Hand shake?" She offered instead.

"Yeah." Clarke sighed. Wedging her arm back into the crutches, she limped over to the chair beside Raven's bed and collapsed back into it. It took a few deep breaths for her to compose herself enough to take Raven's hand in hers, the blonde's thumb instantly swirling patterns on the back of it.

"Thank you, Clarke." Raven's voice was soft, and Clarke looked up to meet her watery brown eyes. She assumed the other girl was talking about the hospital, and really, even if Clarke had been fine she would still be there, sat next to the brunette and holding her hand.

"Sure thing, I had nowhere else to be." She smiled.

"No, I meant for what you did."

Clarke's mouth fell open in an 'oh' shape of surprise. She had been so caught up in her worry that Raven would somehow blame her for what happened, she hadn't even thought about the brunette thanking her.

"Raven..."

"I mean it, you saved my _life,_ Clarke. I would have been dead if you didn't come to get me." Clarke watched as Raven tried to blink back her tears. A strained smile spread across the other girls face before she pulled her hand out of Clarke's grip and lightly punched her. "You stupid moron though, what the hell were you thinking jumping into shark infested waters, huh?"

Clarke took Raven's hand back in hers, twining their fingers together. "Well I meant what I said, when you were in hospital before, I'll always chose you first Reyes."

"You're damn right." The other girl smiled.

Clarke brought their conjoined hands up to her lips and pressed a kiss to Raven's knuckles. Her friend was alive. They were _both_ alive.

"Not interrupting are we ladies?" The voice from the door made Clarke jolt in her seat.

"Bellamy?!" She exclaimed, pushing on the arms of the chair. She had been aiming to stand up and embrace him, but Bellamy was already striding across the room towards her.

"Stay in your seat, Princess." He grinned before bending down to pull her into a hug.

She could count on one hand the number of times they had physically embraced. Once when Clarke's father died. Once when at Wells's funeral. And once when Octavia had dared them in a game of spin the bottle.

"Well there's something I never thought I'd see." A familiar voice called from the doorway.

Bellamy pulled back from her, his hand still lingering on Clarke's shoulder.

"Octavia?” The blonde smiled. “Oh God come here."

The younger Blake quickly slotted into the space her brother had vacated, her arms squeezing around Clarke's neck. Over the girl's shoulder, Clarke could see Bellamy pushing some of Raven's hair off her face, concern pinching at his brow.

"How are you both?" He asked, his eyes not leaving Raven. Clarke knew the brunette wouldn't be willing the answer first though.

"Good,” Clarke began to reply, smiling at Octavia as the girl pulled away from her, “Considering, I sort of broke out the room before they could tell me what they did to my leg."

Looking down at the gauze on her leg, Clarke could see what looked like tiny specks of blood seeping through.

Bellamy shook his head before shifting out of the way so Octavia could perch upon the edge of the bed. "This isn't prison Clarke, pretty sure you can walk out your room whenever you want." He grinned at her again.

Octavia gently patted the sheet above Raven's leg, before rubbing her hand across it. Curiously, Clarke watched Raven look down at the touch, a frown appearing on the brunette's face.

Ignoring Raven's reaction, Clarke smiled up at Bellamy. "Not when your mom used to be the Chief Surgeon here."

"Raven? You okay?" Bellamy asked the other girl, his large hand reaching out to take Raven's in his own. Clarke knew despite his pretending otherwise, and despite his protests that he “couldn't understand you damn women”, Bellamy was naturally attuned to pick up on when something is wrong with one of them.

"Huh? Oh the doc hasn't been to see me yet, I'm really enjoying this quick release pain machine though, one push," Raven lifted the small device next to her bed and pushed the button on top making one of the machines around her beep and swirl. "And instant relief." She sighed.

Clarke wasn't sure what it was, but there was _something_ in the way Raven spoke, in the way she wouldn't look directly at any of them that told her the brunette was hiding something from them.

"Hi." This time the deep voice that came from the doorway was an unfamiliar one.

There was a man standing there, his hair clipped close to his head with only a strip of dark hair left down the middle. In his hands were a bunch on mixed flowers that Clarke assumed were for Raven. Except. His gaze was locked onto Octavia.

"I'm Lincoln." He said.

"Hi, hotstuff." Raven quipped, a grin breaking out across her face. Lincoln's stare snapped down to the injured girl. "Oh God, I think Octavia's already called it, you're both smouldering at each other."

"You're doing what to my sister?" Bellamy tried to step around the bed, but Octavia was already up on her feet and blocking his path. Clarke could just about hear Octavia hissing his name in warning.

"I, erm, bought you flowers." Lincoln explained awkwardly as he walked into the room, his eyes still glancing at Octavia. Finally fixing his gaze onto Raven, he held out the bunch of flowers for her to take. "Hi."

"Oh Christ, this is embarrassing, you might want to open with why you're here dumbass." Another voice called from the doorway.

Clarke was starting to wonder exactly who was monitoring the amount of visitors coming through the ward to Raven's room. When Clarke looked up at the new visitor, her jaw almost dropped to the floor. She had seen plenty of attractive people before, but the woman who was standing there was something else. Her high cheek bones are and flawless skin had Clarke practically drooling.

No for the first time she thanked whatever deity was looking down at them for making her bisexual. Between Lincoln and the new mystery woman, Clarke was spoilt for choice for who to pine over.

"He's the one who pulled you onto the beach." The woman explained. Lincoln raised a hand to the back of his head, and rubs it in what Clarke assumed was bashfulness.

"And who are you?” Raven asked. “Because I feel like I need to get to know your cheek bones on a _much_ more intimate level."

"Anya, and my _boyfriend_ likes my cheek bones just as much." She replied. The fact she had a boyfriend had Clarke pouting. She was surprised to see the same expression on Raven's face.

"Ignore her,” Clarke said. “She's not even bisexual." Anya seemed to notice Clarke for the first time and she raised an eyebrow at her. Creasing her brow, Clarke turned back to Raven again. " _Are_ you?"

"Only for Mama Griffin and cheek bones over here." Raven winked, and Clarke shuddered because Jesus Christ it was her _mother_.

"You're the other one." Anya's voice drew Clarke's attention back to her again.

"Huh? Oh right, shark bite." Clarke said as she lifted up her leg slightly. The movement had her wincing when she felt the skin straining against the stitches.

Anya grimaced at the sight of Clarke's leg. "I was on the jet ski with Lexa, the one who dove in after you. She was looking for you."

Green eyes. Clarke remembered really, really pretty green eyes. Shifting hands onto the arm rests, Clarke had had barely shifted an inch before Anya was in front of her. Anya held onto to Clarke's forearms and hoisted her up, holding her in place long enough for Bellamy to slide the crutches under her arms.

Clarke honestly had no idea how she had managed to do it by herself the first time.

* * *

The door to Clarke's room was already open, and when she hobbled inside she spotted two people standing by her bed with their backs to the door. Clarke easily identified Lexa as the small willowy girl with a bunch of daises in her hand. The man beside her was easily over 6ft tall, and about the same across the shoulders.

"This was definitely the room?" Said the man, his deep voice cutting through the silence of the room.

"Yes." Lexa replied. It was short and curt, but the sound of her voice sent all kinds of sensations down Clarke's spine. "Her name was on the door."

"Not like she can go far, you saw the state of her leg. Are you sure she was out of surgery?" He asked.

Clarke's memory only contained flashes of what her leg had looked like, but it was enough to make her grimace. Looking down at the injured limb, the blonde noticed there was an increasing amount of blood on the outside of the bandage. She sighed quietly, her mom was definitely going to kill her. She had only had the stitches for a few hours, but it felt like she had already popped half of them open.

"Oh.” Lexa tilted her head slightly. “No, they didn't say. What should I do with the flowers? Her vase already has some."

Clarke cleared her throat. "You could always give them to me." Her voice startled both of them, and they quickly turned to face her.

The blonde knew it was rude to stare, but she couldn't help her gaze shifting over Lexa's face. She was beautiful. Clarke barely heard what the man next to Lexa was saying, but the next moment he was patting the brunette on the head and walking out of the room.

The girl opposite her swallowed visibly, and Clarke watched in fascination as her throat bobbed.

"Hi, I'm Lexa."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the Clexa-ing begin.


	3. Chapter 3

 Clarke felt her face flushing. Seeing Lexa standing there in her dark baggy jumper, and tight skinny jeans made Clarke incredibly self aware of the wisp of a hospital gown she was currently standing.

Despite her growing embarrassment, the tension in the room around them was becoming almost palpable. Both of them remained silent, and Clarke could feel her pulse starting to speed beneath her skin.

Lexa was taller than Clarke. _J_ _ust._ _Enough that if Clarke was to try and kiss her, she would have to subtly tilt her chin up to capture her lips. The blonde felt her cheeks flush anew at the thought._

Lexa cleared her throat, her head tilting to the side slightly. It was only then that Clarke finally remembered in polite conversation you usually introduced yourself when someone introduced themselves to you, rather than just staring at them.

"I'm Clarke," she finally replied, breaking her stare away from the other girl. Looking down at the bed in front of her, Clarke's leg gave a throb of pain, reminding her that she had been standing on it for far too long. "But you already knew that."

"Yes, I did." Lexa agreed before following Clarke's gaze. The brunette quickly dropped the flowers onto the table and strode to Clarke's side. "You should sit down, Clarke. You shouldn't be using your leg." Clarke almost shivered at the little clicking sound Lexa's mouth made when she said her name.

"Yeah, I shouldn't do a lot of things and I still do." Clarke quipped, her voice barely above a mumble. Lexa made no indication that she had heard her though. Instead, the brunette just silently hovered close, her mouth pulling down into a frown of concentration as she awkwardly outstretched her arms around Clarke as if she planed to stop the blonde falling at a moments notice.

The seven uncoordinated steps it took Clarke to get to the bed felt like they took _forever._ Clarke let out a heavy sigh when she finally turned around and sat back on the bed.

The crutches were quickly taken away from her and whilst Lexa tried to balance them against the table, Clarke began to move herself up the bed. An uncontrollable groan rumbled from her throat as her leg protested at each tiny movement.

In her concentration to get comfortable, Clarke missed Lexa moving closer. She gasped when the brunette suddenly reaching behind her, her body leaning in close to pull the pillows up behind her head. Clarke couldn't help inhaling at the sudden intrusion, noticing the oddly intoxicating smell of fresh mint.

"Like jumping into the water with a shark to save your friend?" Lexa asked, a small smirk pulling at her lips.

Clarke wasn't sure if her mind was feeling increasingly muddled from the building pressure in her leg or at the close proximity of the other woman, but it took a few moments to realise Lexa was carrying on the conversation that Clarke wasn't even sure she heard from five minutes ago.

"Yeah," Clarke laughed lightly, her head pushing back into the pillows. "It's kind of like jumping into the water with a shark to save a stranger."

The chair next to Clarke's bed scraped across the floor as Lexa pulled it closer. "I'm working as a lifeguard this summer, so it's my job."

"Well, I'm going to be a doctor some day, so I might as well start saving lives." Clarke smiled back. The other woman nodded her head in acknowledgement, a small smile playing on her own lips.

"I hear they make the worst patients." Concern pinched at the brunettes brow, and the smile Clarke had been admiring dropped back into a subtle frown. "How is your leg?"

It hurt like hell, and Clarke was pretty sure it was about to just fall off. "It's fine." She lied.

"It's bleeding." Lexa pointed out, nodding towards the bandage on her leg. Clarke grimaced when she saw just how big the patches of blood that were forming had become.

"Okay, so it hurts, a bit." Clarke relented in defeat. She knew she was going to have to buzz the nurses in soon to fix it up.

With her elbows resting on her knees, and her head resting in her hands, Lexa shifted her gaze to the window. Clarke could barely stop herself from gasping at the sight, because _God,_ the way the light caught her eyes was incredible. The green of Lexa's eyes seemed to glow.

Questions were swirling through Clarke's head, “what happened after the shark?”, “who was that man in the room with you?”, “do you have a favourite blend of coffee?”. Instead, she settled on something she should have said the second she saw Lexa again.

"Hey, thanks for jumping in after me."

The other woman's eyes moved away from the window and looked directly at Clarke again. "I was just doing what I had to." She replied seriously.

"Right," Clarke couldn't help feeling disappointed at Lexa's reply. "Part of the job." A tight lipped smile pulled at her own lips as she looked away from the brunette.

"No- That's not- That's not what I meant. I-" Clarke looked back up, and watched as Lexa's eyes darted across the ceiling. It was almost as if she was willing the words to appear there. "I just, when I saw you down there, I just knew I had to get to you."

“I-” Clarke didn't really understand, but she nodded regardless. “Thank you."

Looking into Lexa's green eyes, Clarke felt a memory trying to break through. It was just beyond the reach of her mind though. She could hear the sound of the jet ski, she could feel the salt water running down her skin. But she couldn't remember what she could _see_ , only those green eyes staring down at her.

Lexa's hand twitched, and Clarke remembered those very hands cupping her face, her thumbs stroking across her cheeks to calm her.

"Clarke!" Her mom's voice called.

The blonde barely had the chance to turn her head when her mom came barrelling through the door. "Mom!" She cried.

In a few striding steps, her mother's arms were wrapping around her body, pulling her head into her shoulder. Clarke was sure she could feel the tell tale wetness of tears on her neck.

Clarke could still remember the last time they had embraced each other so tightly. Her grip intensified at the memory. Suddenly she was fifteen years old again, and her mom was holding her, telling her she was going to be okay and there was nothing more she could have done.

"I should probably go." Lexa pipped up, reminding Clarke that they were not alone. Pulling back from her mother's shoulder, she smiled at the girl. She was standing awkwardly next to the bed again, her fingers pulling at the frayed ends of her sweatshirt.

"No, stay," Clarke instructed as she pulled away from her mom completely. "Mom, this is Lexa. She's the one who saved me."

The brunette shook her head. "It wasn't like that, not- umph!"

The way Lexa's eyes widened was almost comical. Her mom had wrapped her arms around the unsuspecting girls neck and pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you." Her mom muttered, finally prompting Lexa to clumsily wrap her arms around the older woman's back.

"Lexa." Anya's voice interrupted from the doorway. Clarke's mom stepped away, giving Lexa the room the turn around. "The doctor's in with Raven, so we're heading off."

"Hi, I'm Abby, Clarke's mom." Her mother greeted, waving around Lexa's body.

Anya walked into the room, closely followed by Lincoln and the man who had been with Lexa earlier.

"Anya," She stiffly said, holding her hand out to shake the older woman's hand. "I was the one of the lifeguards who helped your daughter."

Clarke almost laughed when her mom pulled Anya into her arms. Anya's shocked expression was almost completely identical to the one Lexa had worn minutes ago.

Her mother pulled away from Anya, smiling at her kindly. "Thank you, all of you, for helping my daughter."

"I'm Lincoln, and it's what we do." Lincoln stated simply, scratching at the back of his head. Smiling at the tall man, her mother leant up to place a kiss on his cheek before hugging both him and the man who had yet to introduce himself.

“Gustus.” The larger man said. “Caretaker of this gaggle.”

"Well, if any of you ever find yourself in the city, and need anything medical, I'm the Chief Surgeon at Memorial Hospital, just ask for Dr Abby Griffin." Clarke could hear the pride leaking into her mom's voice. It always did when she was talking about her job. For the first time in a long time, it makes Clarke happy to hear it.

"Thank you, but you might regret that offer. These guys are all heading to college there after the summer." Gustus's gruff voice was followed by an equally gruff laugh, and Clarke could just see his mouth through his heavy beard.

Clarke was so busy concentrating on the sound of his voice that she almost missed what he actually said. When it finally clicked it was at an unfortunately loud volume that she spoke. "Really!?"

"Yes?" Anya looked at her suspiciously, and Clarke realised the tone and volume of her shock was probably bordering on terrifying.

"I'm going there for college too, Arkdale, for the medial program."

"We're on the other side of town, Tondington." Lexa informed her before she started rummaging through the pockets of her jeans. A moment later the brunette pulled out a small wad of cards and handed one to Clarke. "Here, I had some cards made."

"You had cards made? Jesus Christ, Lexa." Anya sighed, her hand coming up to cover her face.

"They were on offer." Lexa replied as she frowned down at the cards in her hand.

"Right, her number's on the card. Call her before she starts pining, or worse, talking to me about how much she's pining." Anya smirked. Gustus let out a booming laugh and Lexa's whole face flushed red. Clarke couldn't help grinning at the little yelped “Anya” the brunette squeaked out.

"Come on, little sparrow, before your face catches alight." Gustus smiled. Stepping deeper into the room, he took Clarke's mother's hands into his own. "It was nice to meet you Mrs Griffin."

Whilst her mom said her farewells to Anya and Lincoln, Gustus hooked his arm over Lexa's shoulder and smiled down at Clarke. "And I'm sure I'll be seeing more of you, Clarke."

Lexa buried her face into her hands at the man's words, and Clarke could only just hear her muttered goodbye through her fingers. She continued to watch in amusement as Lexa grumbled out a string of barely intelligible sentences about how embarrassing they all were, making Gustus bellow out another laugh.

The room fell into silence as the four of them left. Whilst her mom busied herself with the chart at the end of her bed, Clarke looked down at the small white card in her hand. The card, Clarke quickly concluded, was possibly one of the most adorable things she had ever been given. In the bottom right corner there was a small cartoon picture of a tree with a tiny speech bubble saying “Hi”. The the name Lexa Woods was sitting proudly in the middle, followed by her phone number and what Clarke assumed was the Tondington College logo.

"Over 100 stitches, Clarke, and it nicked your post tib artery." Her mom read in awe. Clarke looked up from the card, and watched her mother hook the clipboard back onto the bed. The older woman's hand covered her mouth, and Clarke could see the tears forming in her eyes as she tried to keep herself together. "God, Clarke. They only had to suture it, a few more millimetres and-" Her mom stopped abruptly, but Clarke could hear the words she left unsaid. A few more millimetres and no matter how quickly Lexa got her to the beach, she would have been dead.

"But you're fine." Her mom smiled as she made her way back around the side of the bed. Reaching out, she pushed some of Clarke's loose hair behind behind her ear. "You're going to be fine." She repeated before looking down at the bandage on Clarke's leg.

Clarke was expecting the heavy sigh. She was expecting her raised eyebrow too. "Well, if you actually let it heal that is."

"I had to see Raven, mom." Clarke said, and she even to her own ears it sounded like a weak defence.

"Hey, it's ok sweetheart, just next time, maybe call the nurse and they'll wheel you over?" Reaching over, her mom picked up the little call button next to her bed.

"Right, yeah." Clarke muttered, her cheeks stating to burn again because, yeah, that would have saved her leg _throbbing_ the way it was. "I wasn't really thinking."

"How's the pain? I can ask them to bring something down for you?"

It hurt. It _really_ hurt, and Clarke knew she was pushing her own personal limits with each clench of pain her leg gave.

"It pinches a bit, but it's fine." Clarke smiled, lying easily. She wondered if her smile looked more like a grimace though because her mom just raised her brow in disbelief again.

"Thelonious?" Her mom asked, and Clarke followed her line of sight to the sunflowers he had brought her.

"He was here when I woke up, this-" Clarke paused. She actually had no idea how long it had been since arriving at the hospital. "Morning?"

Her mum smiled down at her, stroking another piece of imaginary hair behind Clarke's ear. "You don't even know what day it is do you?"

"Days are such an arbitrary concept." Clarke quipped, the sound of her mother's light laughter making her smile.

"You were brought in early yesterday lunch time, you managed to tell them who you and Raven were, do you remember?" Her mother questioned, her thumbs stroking across Clarke's cheek.

"No." The blonde replied as she tried to concentrate on what exactly it was she _did_ remember.

There had been a blue sky. A _really_ blue sky. Clarke remembered the red of Raven's blood in the water, the way it swirled in sickening patterns. There was the shark. It's jet black eye and jagged teeth rising from the water. The _last_ thing she could remember was the green of Lexa's eyes on the jet ski.

"I remember the jet ski, I think? And then nothing."

"It might come back, it might not." Her mom explained, and Clarke recognised the tone in her voice as the one she used on her patients. Instead of irritating her as it usually did, Clarke felt it settling her nerves. "Well they took you straight into theatre to repair the artery, gave you some extra blood, fluid, the works. Then they stitched you up. Which brings us to now," her mom looked down at the thin silver watch wrapped around her wrist. "3pm the following day."

"When did they call you?" Clarke asked.

"Thelonious called Kane yesterday around 4, I was prepping for surgery. They should have told me then." Her mom took a deep sigh, and Clarke could see the tears forming in her eyes again. "I'm so sorry, Clarke. I had no idea, they-" The older woman paused and it was almost as if her mom had to physically swallow back the anger before she could continue. "Thelonious and Kane decided it was best to let me finish, and they had no right to." This time the tears in her mother's eyes did fall, and Clarke desperately wanted to comfort her because she knew it wasn't her fault.

"It's okay, mum I understand-"

"No," her mom shook her head, and Clarke let her continue. "You're my little girl, Clarke, and I know you don't like that, I know you like to think you don't need _me_ any more, but _I_ still need you."

Tears started to sting at Clarke's eyes. They might have had their differences, ever since her dad died they had both drifted apart. Her mom saw too much of Jake in her, and for Clarke, seeing her mom and knowing she would never see her dad again just hurt too much. So they avoided each other, skirted around any conversations that involved her father and refused to acknowledge they were both struggling. But none of that meant Clarke didn't still need her.

"I do need you." Clarke's voice cracked, and she had to suck in a sharp breath at the sudden wash of emotion. "I was so scared, I didn't think I would see any of you again, I thought Raven was going to die and I-" Clarke's voice caught in her throat again, and her mom pulled her into another hug as Clarke let out an unintelligible string of words and feelings into her mother's shoulder.

Clarke finally let herself sob into her mom's embrace. It was all just too much to keep inside any more. It might have been the left over pain killers in her system, the steady throb of her leg or the haunting dream she had when she woke up, but everything felt out of control.

Her mom was right though. She was fine. She was _going_ to be fine. Raven would be too. As soon as they walked out the hospital, Clarke could put a stopper on the emotions again, and bury the thoughts in the same place she kept those about Wells and her fathers deaths.

Eventually Clarke's cries faded away, and it was only once her breathing returned to a steady pace that her mom pulled away from her.

"Okay," her mother quickly wiped at the tears under her own eyes. "I'm going to get the doctor to look at your leg, are you okay for me to go check on Raven whilst we wait?"

"Yeah." There was one last brush of a thumb across Clarke's cheek before her turned away.

It was when she was almost out the door, that a very sudden, and very terrifying thought of Raven high on drugs interacting with her mom crossed her mind. "Mom!" Clarke called.

"Clarke?"

"Just remember Raven's on a lot of pain medication, she might say some things about you," Clarke swallowed awkwardly because she never thought she would actually be having this kind of conversation with her mother. "You and _her,_ that you might want to forget you ever heard."

"I think Raven forgets she has my number," her mom replied. "She likes to text a lot when she's been drinking."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos, they make me feel like a smiling bundle of shark biting joy (aka they make me happy, and I couldn't think of a shark pun to convey that.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has another dream, a character from Mnt Weather pops up, Lexa doesn't understand texting and Raven talks to a doctor. It's a roller coaster.

The synthetic light above Clarke flickered twice and the room around her shuddered from side to side. Clarke swallowed back her panic. She had _no idea_ where the hell she was.

There was a shadow of a person moving across Clarke's blurred vision, and the room around her jerked again. She tried to move her mouth, but there was a pressure around it. It took a moment longer for her to realise that the object strapped around her head was an oxygen mask.

That started the process of everything falling into place. At first she thought it might be a hospital, but there was a faint whirling of sirens punching through her weakened hearing. Not quite a hospital. It was an ambulance.

It took a few more moments for Clarke#s blurring vision to clear enough for her to recognise the dark blue outfit of the person hovering over her as a paramedic. They were saying something to her, maybe, but all she could concentrate on was the sting in her arm from the fresh IV drip. There was another woman sat next to her, but Clarke didn't have time to focus on her, not when the room around her was drifting to black.

Clarke tried to make a mental note that would stick in her increasingly muddled mind that shining a bright light directly into someone's eyes, whilst occasionally necessary, was not a pleasant experience.

Her eyes started to focus around the pin prick of light, and person behind it. They were speaking to her, Clarke could see their mouth moving, but she couldn't hear a word they were saying. There were other people moving around her too, and there was a sharp prick in her arm.

The words around her slowly started to unravel in her mind. Someone was calling for more saline. Someone else was shouting for blood, and she can feel them pulling something back on her leg. She tried to keep focusing on the person above her, but with every blink the room was slowly fading into black again.

The next time Clarke opened her eyes there was no bright light. There was no bed beneath her either.

She was floating.

Water had filled the ER room, the tools and bedding gently swaying around her. The bandage on Clarke's leg slowly unfurled to reveal the mangled mess that remained of her leg. Blood was starting to swirl out from the wound, and she couldn't remember it looking so big. She couldn't remember seeing the white edge of bone, a stark contrast to the dark red of the muscle around it.

It couldn't be real. Clarke knew it couldn't be real. Her leg couldn't have looked like that, but there is was. The water around her started to fade into shadow, the blackness slowly closing in of her. She tried to fight it, desperately moving her arms to try and swim her way through it, but the shadow engulfed her anyway.

Clare was back again.

The sharp press of the sharks teeth dug into her leg as it dragged her through the corridors of the hospital. Clarke could see them all. All of them were there floating in the water.

Blood was spilling freely from Raven's side. Bellamy and Octavia were floating face down together. Anya. Lincoln. Lexa. Her mother. All of them dead, and Clarke's lungs begged for her to scream.

"Clarke?"

The voice was muffled, barely audible through the depth of the water. Clarke wanted to scream out for them to help her, but there was no time, there was no air-

"Clarke?"

The bright lights of the hospital burnt into Clarke's eyes again.

"Mom?" Her voice croaked, the dryness from the first time she awoke was back again. There was a cool sheen of sweat covering her whole body, and this time Clarke knew she was in the hospital. She also knew she needed something for her leg, the pain had surpassed all bearable limits.

The light of the room finally stopped searing into Clarke's eyes enough for her to see the concerned look on her mother's face.

"Are you okay?” She asked. “It looked like you were dreaming." Reaching her hand out, her mom brushed it across Clarke's forehead. "You're sweating, Clarke."

Clarke could already see the mask of a doctor falling over the older woman's face, the concern making way to a cool professionalism. It wasn't like her mom meant to do it, Clarke knew that. It was easier for her to hide behind the mask of a professional just like it was easier for Clarke to hide behind a mask of indifference. Before she could ask any questions about what her dream might have been, Clarke cut her off. "Yeah, I'm fine, just thirsty. Is the doctor here yet?"

Abby nodded, apparently satisfied with her daughter's answer. Leaving her side for only a moment, her mom poured her a cup of water. "He's on his way, it's why I woke you up."

"How long was I out?" Clarke asked, smiling her thanks at her mom when she handed her the cup before taking a sip of the cool liquid. A groan tumbled out of her mouth as the soothing liquid started to tame the dryness that had taken up residence in the back of her throat.

"Half an hour maybe, not long." Her mom informed her. She watched Clarke until finish the last of the water before placing the cup back on the table for her.

"How's Raven?" Clarke asked, her voice clearer.

There was an unmistakable flicker across her mom's face, and Clarke would have to be blind to not notice the way she suddenly turned away from her.

"You were right about those painkillers." Her mom's voice sounded stranded, and she made no attempt to smile.

"Mom, what's going-"

"Miss Griffin." A man standing just outside the room interrupted. Despite his wrinkled skin, his features remained sharp, as did his piercing eyes. "I'm Dr Wallace."

Clarke watched her mom school her features. “Dante." She greeted as he pushed a small silver trolley into the room.

"Ah, Dr Griffin." They exchange pleasantries, and Clarke quickly realised they used to work together before her mom left for the city. "I hear a certain younger Griffin has been going walkie bouts."

"I-" Clarke quickly tried to defend herself because it wasn't her fault, not _really_.

"Clarke, it's fine, you're not a prisoner here. You're free to roam the hospital as you please." He smiled down at her. "Just call a nurse next time, so I don't have to restitch you again."

Pulling the chair at the side of the bed closer to her leg, the doctor started to prepare his instruments. "Now, let take a look and see what you've done." He said.

Dante continued, to talk to her, but Clarke's attention was fixed on the stained bandage he was slowly unravelling. The bandage itself came away quickly, leaving a single patch of gauze covering the bite. Clarke could already see the inflammation around the barely visible top stitches.

When he finally started to pull away the final barrier, Clarke winced. Even though he moved slowly, gently peeling away the pieces of fabric, the stitches still caught on it. Eventually, Clarke had to close her eyes. Each tug on her skin was sending fresh waves of pain up her calf.

She could hear her mom and Dante talking, but all Clarke could focus on was the dizzying sensation in her head. The way room was starting to spin made her think that maybe she was about to pass out. When the doctors pulled the gauze off another stitch, she wondered if maybe that wouldn't be the worse thing that could happen to her right now.

Her mom's hand came to rest over her own, and Clarke hadn't even realised she was clenching the fabric of the bed spread beneath her.

Cool air was suddenly prickling against her lower leg. With the image of her dream still fresh on her mind, the blonde cracked her eye open. It was surprising to see just how bad it wa _sn't_.

Unlike in her dream, there was no missing flesh. There was no bone deep tear across the whole of her leg.

Clarke almost wanted to cry in relief.

Two broken lines of stitches were sitting just below her knee, wrapping around from both sides of her calf muscle, leaving a pale gap of skin across the top of her leg between the two. Leaning forwards, Clarke spotted two other sets of stitches just above her ankle.

Each set was red and swollen, with tiny flecks of dried blood around each stitch. There were two stitches at the top of her leg that were mush worse though. Just on the inside of her the skin was pulling open slightly, revealing the deep cut underneath.

"Clarke?" Her mom questioned.

Clarke jumped slightly. Sometime during her musing, both her mom and the doctor had started staring at her. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Dr Wallace is about to begin." The older woman explained. From the expression on her mom's face, Clarke was sure she had already told her that.

"Oh right, yeah go ahead."

Clarke watched Dante working. The slight sting of the needle gently pricking into the skin was almost unnoticeable. and slowly he pushed the needle deeper as the flesh around it became numb.

"I'm going to give you some pain relief too, Clarke, and some anti-inflammatories. You're looking more swollen than I would like." Dante told her as he rummaged through one of the draws in his trolley. Eventually he pulled out a bag of clear fluid, and what Clarke recognised as an IV tube.

Despite being fully trained to do it herself, Clarke's mom stepped out the way to let the doctor hook up the drip to the fixture beside the bed. His palms were cold when he pushed the needle into the back of the blonde's hand.

"Do you want me to stay?" Her mom asked. Clarke looked up at the woman, confused by her sudden reluctance to stay with her. She couldn't help feeling a pang of hurt in her chest that her mom would rather be somewhere else than with her. "Raven- She,” her mom paused for a moment. “I want to check up on her."

There was something in her mother's eyes that made Clarke's anxiety start to swirl in her stomach. "Yeah, it's fine, I'll come in after?"

The only reply she received was a solemn nod and one last squeeze of her hand.

Clarke watched her mom leave the room. She _knew_ something was going on with Raven. There was something in the way she was acting in front of the Blake's. As the doctor worked, Clarke let her mind play over their conversation.

"Do you still draw?" Dr Wallace's voice pulled Clarke from her thoughts. At some point between her mom saying goodbye and her internal turmoil about Raven, he had started removing the snapped stitches from her leg.

Clarke almost answered his question straight away, but it suddenly hit her that he should have no idea that she draws. "Yeah." She replied hesitantly.

"I'm not surprised you don't remember me, Clarke. You were only six at the time."

"We've already met?" She asked in confusion. She had no recollection of the man in front of her.

"On occasion. Sometimes Jake would sit with you in the waiting room, waiting for your mother to finish her shift." He explained.

The mention of her father had the familiar crushing feelings of hurt rushing to the surface, and Clarke scrambled to quickly bury them. It was a strategy she had used ever since his death. It was the same one she used to deal with Wells's.

The less she thought about them, the easier it was to forget the paralysing feelings of grief.

“You used to draw pictures of us." Dante continued.

"Yeah?" Clarke laughed gently, relieved that her voice didn't reflect her emotional turmoil. "I think he did it to stop her working late."

The doctor worked in silence for a few minutes, and Clarke stared up at the tiny dots on the ceiling, counting them as he tugged the thread out of her leg. "You drew me once."

"Oh God." Clarke could already tell where the story was going to go. It was the same way all childhood stories go. Embarrassment.

"We were in a mountain, _apparently_." Clarke could only imagine her child like attempts at drawing a mountain, and her child like pride at showing it to him. "You said, whilst you were smiling up at me, that we were living there together, and even though I liked to paint too you didn't like me."

It was literally years ago, when she was a kid who didn't know any better, but Clarke still went wide eyed as the doctor chuckled.

"I'll never forget the expression on your fathers face. I remember it," he paused whilst he concentrated on something on her leg, moving his face closer. Clarke could feel his warm breath on the over sensitive skin. Apparently satisfied he moved back away from her again. "I remember it, because you inspired me to start painting again."

The statement had Clarke's mouth dropping open in a tiny 'O' shape. She wasn't expecting his story to take _this_ turn. "I did?" She asked.

"I gave it up for various reason, a wayward son being at the top of the list, but seeing how happy it made you, inspired me to pick up the brush again. More importantly though, we are all done here, Clarke."

She hadn't even realised that he had started tying the stitches back into her leg, but when she looked down the previously gaping tooth mark on her leg matched the others again.

"Thank you, Dr Wallace. Sorry about the, you know, whole ruining your work thing."

"No problem.” He smiled. “Just don't do it again." Despite the firm look on his face, Clarke could hear the good natured twinge in his voice.

Standing up, Dante started to remove the empty bag from the fixture beside her. "Is there anything else I can get you, any more pain relief?" He asked.

"No, the stuff you gave me is already helping."

Whilst the doctor replaced the bandage on her leg, Clarke sat up slightly, looking around the room for any sign of the bag she had left in the lockers at the beach. Between scurrying across the hall to see Raven, meeting Lexa and having her leg restitched, it hadn't even crossed her mind to look for it.

Eventually her searching attracted the doctors attention and he looked at her questioningly. "I didn't happen to come in with a phone did I?"

He smiled at her, and Clarke took it as a good sign. Under the table that was next to her bed was a cabinet, and Dante ducked down to look inside. It only took him a few seconds of rummaging for him to pull his head up again with her phone in his hand.

"One phone." He shifted the device in his hand, his eyes squinting around the outside until he found the power button. "Ah, good, it's got some battery in there. Use it wisely."

"Thank you."

"I'll see you in the morning, make sure you rest. Your body went through a lot yesterday."

Clarke quickly said her goodbye's to the man and waited for him to leave the room.

The moment he was gone, Clarke pulled Lexa's card off the cabinet. The warning flashing across her battery icon had her texting quickly, and she regretted her choice of subject instantly.

 **Clarke** : Hi Lexa, it's Clarke, hope the traffic wasn't too bad on the drive home

Clarke grimaced, because really, how formal could she possibly get. She might as well have written a text about the weather.

 **Lexa** : They have temporary lights up on Main St. Needless to say we spent more than an hour sat there. Rgds Alexandria.

The blonde blinked at the screen, unsure of how to reply. Maybe asking about traffic really was a bad idea. The formality at the end of the text felt like it was mocking her. Clarke had been _sure_ Lexa wanted her to text, so she couldn't help feeling disappointed at the fact she might have read the signals completely wrong. Maybe texting Lexa at all was a bad idea.

The screen in front of her dimmed at her inactivity. She was about turn it off altogether, her thumb hovering over the power button when her ringtone bleeps at her again.

 **Lexa** : Anya just hit me and told me to apologise for being so formal and to ask how you are

Relief washed over Clarke, and she lets out a slight laugh at the content of the text. Despite only meeting them briefly, she could just imagine the other woman reading Lexa's latest text before letting her send it again.

The thought of what their relationship was crossed her mind briefly. They didn't look like sisters, but they shared an unspoken closeness that she had only ever really seen between siblings. The warning on her phone flashed at her again, and Clarke quickly replied before Lexa could think she was ignoring her.

 **Clarke** : Drowsy, painkillers aren't my strong point

This time Lexa's reply was almost instant, and a warm sensation at the fact Lexa must have been sat waiting for her reply replaced any lingering feelings of disappointment.

 **Lexa** : Coffee?

 **Clarke** : I don't think the hospital does my order

 **Lexa** : Latte with caramel, extra cream and sprinkles?

In the short amount of time she spent with Lexa, Clarke hadn't thought the brunette would be the kind of person who would make light hearted conversation. She just seemed so... Serious.

 **Clarke** : HA. No just cream and sugar

 **Lexa** : Fairly sure I saw it on the machine on your ward?

 **Clarke** : Yeah, the MACHINE, if you're going to have coffee you can't butcher it with a machine

 **Lexa** : ...

"You ready to see Raven?" Her mom asked as she pushed a wheelchair into the room.

"Yeah, just let me..." Clarke trailed off, quickly writing Lexa a final text.

 **Clarke** : gtg the docs finlly finishd w/ raven and my batttery about to die

Clarke grimaced at the state of it and quickly typed another one, a thin layer of sweat forming on her palm in her nervousness to finish it before the last 1% of battery disappeared.

 **Clarke** : Thank you again for what you did

The little icon changed to sent and not even a second later, the screen faded out to black as the battery finally ran out.

With her mom's help, getting out of bed was a lot easier than the first time Clarke had tried. It happened in complete silence though, and her good mood from texting Lexa quickly dissipated.

The atmosphere when her mom wheeled her into Raven's room was already inexplicably tense. Clarke had to fight the urge to ask her mom to take her back to her room.

Something was going to change in the next few minutes, Clarke just knew it.

She could almost feel the minutes ticking by, but none of them spoke, and Raven kept her head facing away from them. The urge to run away finally got too much, and Clarke about to turn around and beg her mom to take her back when her eyes landed on the metal contraption leaning against Raven's bed.

"Raven, why is there-" Clarke swallowed down the quiver in her throat, the tears already starting to burn her eyes. "Why is there a brace next to your bed?"

"It's not mine- It- They wanted to show me what it would look like." Raven sniffed, her voice strained. Shifting her head around, she looked at Clarke dejectedly.

"Why would they need to show you a brace, you're fine right? You were just, you were just being curious right?" Clarke pushed, the first tears spilling down her cheek. She knew she was kidding herself. She knew who the brace was for.

"They thinks it was when," Raven had to swallow back her own emotion and Clarke could see the shimmering of tears in her brown eyes. "When I got back on the surf board."

Guilt pooled in Clarke's stomach. She felt sick because this is all her fault.

"There was a tooth, it snapped off near my spine, they think it was getting back on the surf board that did the damage." Raven continued to explain.

It wasn't Raven, it was Clarke who pushed her back onto the surf board. She should have swum, she should have waited, she should have been more _careful_. Clarke's stomach rolled, and even though she hadn't eaten all day it still plead with her to empty its contents.

"Clarke, this isn't your fault." Her mom comforted, her hand gripping onto her daughters shoulder.

Clarke doesn't even try to contemplate how her mum could know she was blaming herself. Except, that was something mother's were meant to do. Support their children through thick and thin, even when they had done something wrong. Even when something was all their fault.

"I've lost most the sensation in my left leg, Clarke, and they don't think it's going to come back."

Clarke finally cracked, a sob ripping from her throat. With tears streaming down her face, she had to bury her face in her hands.

Her best friend had lost the use of her leg, and Clarke was the only person to blame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos. It's a proven fact that either of those will protect you from shark attacks. It's true, try it and I guarantee it won't happen to you... And if it does then you clearly didn't hit the button hard enough.


	5. Chapter 5

Despite the constant drowsiness there was one thing Clarke liked about her current painkillers. It was different from her usual reaction to them, and she was scared she might come to rely on it too much.

She couldn't remember her dreams.

The pounding of her heart when Clarke woke up in that morning, and the faint recollection of blue and red was enough to tell her that she had dreamt about what happened. It was too vague in her mind to have any real meaning though.

It had taken her a few minutes to recollect the previous evening with Raven. Even now, hours later, when she thought about it her heart felt like it was going to collapse in on itself.

The sight of Raven looking down at her from the bed, telling her she was tired and needed to sleep. The look of absolute _devastation_ on her face. All of it had made Clarke's stomach twist with nausea. Clarke had only managed to nod, not trusting herself enough to speak. She would only said something stupid like “sorry”. The word would never be enough.

Her mom had wheeled Clarke back to her room, repeating to her the words she couldn't believe. That none of this was her fault.

Logically, Clarke knew she shouldn't be blaming herself. It was _shark_ attack. There was literally nothing she could have done. In the heat of the moment, her only thoughts had been to get Raven to safety.

That didn't mean the guilt wasn't still threatening to smother her.

The same thoughts had continued to spiral through Clarke's mind for the whole morning. Her only distraction was the drawings she had been scribbling onto the three day old paper she had found wedged into the table next to her bed.

The image of Raven was smiling back at her from the page, the green of the football pitch and the headline breaking apart the portrait. Clarke longed for the fresh pages of her sketch book. Tracing the dimples she had drawn on Raven's cheeks, Clarke wondered if she would ever see that smile again.

It wasn't ideal, the line work was rough and bending in places Clarke knew it shouldn't, but her hands wouldn't cooperate correctly. It was another side effect of the painkillers still swimming through her system.

Clarke was balancing the pen on her lip, looking for another suitable page to draw on when the knock at the door surprised her into dropping it. She watched helplessly as it bounced off the bed and onto the floor.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you." Lexa apologised, pulls Clarke's eyes away from the mislaid pen.

Clarke smiled at the sight of the other girl. The baggy blue sweater from the previous day was once again slouching awkwardly off one of Lexa's shoulder, and Clarke almost gulped at the sight of Lexa's bare legs clad only in a pair of denim shorts. She almost didn't notice the take away coffee cup in Lexa's hand.

"I bought you coffee." Lexa informed her, lifting the cup into the air.

Clarke was aware the smile on her face had turned into a full on grin. The coffee the nurse had given her with the tray of breakfast was sat cold, and only partially touched with the her half eaten toast. Two sips had been enough for Clarke to start gagging and resigning herself to the tiny glass of cranberry juice instead.

"I-" Other than wanting to throw herself at Lexa's feet for bringing her coffee, Clarke wasn't entirely sure what to say. Of all the people Clarke thought would visit her, she hadn't thought that the brunette would come back. "Thank you."

Lexa bowed her head slightly before striding into, handing Clarke the cup of coffee as soon as she's within reach.

"How are you?" The brunette asked as she settled into the chair.

The smell of the coffee was completely invading Clarke's senses. She couldn't resist. She _had_ to take a sip of it before she could answer.

As soon as the warm liquid hit her taste buds, Clarke lost all control all of her vocal chords. Her eyes closed on their own accord as she let out a deep trailing moan. It was quite possibly the best coffee she had ever tasted.

When Clarke opened her eyes, she realised just how loud and completely non-PG the noise must have been. There was an unmistakable pink twinge to the skin on Lexa's cheeks, and her green eyes looked at Clarke wider than they had before. Clarke could almost see the cogs in Lexa's head turning, as her mouth fell open.

She couldn't help the slight prickling of pride that she could still evoke such a reaction when she hadn't washed her hair in two days and was still in the same flimsy hospital gown from the day before.

"Should I go? Give you two some time alone?" Lexa asked with the faintest hint of a smirk.

Clarke smiled back at the brunette, winking as she raised the cup to her mouth again. "One more hit and I'll be done."

This time her reaction was more muted, but a small whimper still managed to escape. There was the tiniest hint of caramel mixed in with the warm liquid.

"Are we talking literally or..." Lexa implied.

The coffee Clarke was letting roll over her tongue almost came flying out her mouth. She had to raise her hand to cover her lips when she started coughing around the half full mouthful of the hot liquid.

Through out her struggle Lexa just continued to smirk at her, settling back into the chair with a single eyebrow rising in amusement.

Finally, after gaining control over her spasming lungs, Clarke managed to swallow back the coffee. She wondered just how good for her coughing was considering two days ago it felt like she had inhaled half the ocean.

"Well you've ruined it now." Clarke joked before wiping her hand across her mouth.

"So, how are you?" The amusement was still clear on Lexa's face, but Clarke could hear the serious undertones in her voice.

"Better." Clarke replied truthfully. "I think, my leg doesn't hurt so much anyway."

Lexa looks at her curiously, her head tilting to the side slightly, all signs of her previous amusement falling into a soft frown. "What is it?"

The thought of lying to Lexa crossed her mind, and Clarke opened and closed her mouth, struggling to decide on a truth or a lie.

"I went to see Raven, the girl I was at the beach with," she finally replied, the words coming out quickly and strained. "She's pretty much lost the use of her left leg, it-" the increasingly familiar tears swelled into Clarke eyes and she tried to blink them away. "It happened when I got her back on the board."

"It wasn't your fault." Lexa stated with complete conviction, her arms crossing over her chest. "I know what it's like to blame yourself for something out of your control. It's a dangerous path, Clarke."

There was a sadness in Lexa's green eyes that made Clarke's heart ache. "Who..." Clarke trailed of, unsure how to ask Lexa who was it she had lost.

"My girlfriend, Costia."

The fact Lexa had a girlfriend caught Clarke's attention, and she shamefully stored the information away.

Clarke nodded. "I would say sorry, but I _know_ that never makes anyone feel better."

Lexa smiled briefly, before the sullen sadness took up residence on her face again. "That's all I heard for the first year, 'it's not your fault', 'I'm sorry for your loss', 'it gets better'." Shaking her head, Lexa moved her gaze away from Clarke's eyes. "But they were right, it wasn't my fault, it just took a while to realise it."

Clarke almost flinched when a calloused hand closed around hers. "And I can tell you don't believe me right now, and that's okay, just don't-" Clarke lifted her eyes to look at Lexa's face again, watching as her eyes darted across her face. "You don't have to do this alone, let your parents and friends help."

Clarke returned her sad smile, she didn't feel like correcting her about her dad. "Is that how you did it?"

"Yeah, Anya and Lincoln would never let me sink too deep, neither would Indra and Gustus." A lightness returned to Lexa's face, her lips pulling up into a slight smile. "Sorry, Gustus was with us yesterday, he's our foster parent, so is Indra."

"Foster siblings." Clarke muttered to herself. It explained Lexa's relationship with Anya at least.

"Yes." Lexa looked slightly concerned, almost defensive. There was a story there, but Clarke wasn't going to ask for it, not today. The paper in Clarke's lap slid to the side of the bed, and Lexa let go of her hand to pick it up, her eyes studying the image of Raven. "You draw."

Clarke nodded even though Lexa continued to look at the picture in her hand. The brunette flipped to the front of the paper. Every few pages she stopped to look at the image Clarke had created.

The blonde felt her face flush when Lexa stopped on the sketch of her own face. It was of Lexa's profile looking out the window the previous day, her hands folded under her chin.

Eventually, Lexa turned the page again until she was back to the original image of Raven. "Oh, you're not in it."

"Self portraits, not really my thing." Clarke smiled. She didn't add on the fact that she was too scared to draw herself. She had been for years. She wasn't sure what might come out of her mind if she thought too hard about herself and how the world saw her.

"No," Lexa frowned, her brown hair falling across her face. "You were in the paper yesterday."

"I was?" Clarke asked, her eyes widening. She hadn't really thought about it, but two girls bitten by a shark, at a crowded beach? Of course it was going to end up making the news.

Shifting on her seat, Lexa pulled her phone out her pocket and Clarke watched as she typed something on the screen. A few screen presses later, and the brunette was handing it to Clarke.

There was a news site loaded with the blaring headline "Double Shark Attack Rocks Town". Clarke quickly skim read the article, their names were there and she recognised the picture they had used of her and Raven as her header photo from Facebook. The caption “Friends Clarke Griffin (left) and Raven Reyes (right) two nights prior to the attack” made her breath catch in her throat. Neither of them could have predicted what was about to happen to them just 48 hours later.

There was a small arrow next to their photo, and Clarke pressed on it. The next image was not from their Facebook pages. It was a photo of herself, laying on the beach with Lexa pushing a towel down on her leg. At least Clarke assumed it was a towel. There were little blurred pixels blocking out the lower half of her leg, and she could only see blurs of red. She clicked through the rest of the photos, including a picture of Lincoln in a similar position to Lexa over Raven's body. The second to last picture was of the EMT's lifting her on a stretcher, her body covered in a bright blanket. Even in the poor quality of the photo, Clarke could see Lexa's worried expression looking down at her as she helped carry the stretcher.

The final picture had Clarke creasing her brow. It was of the stretcher being loaded into the ambulance, and Lexa was climbing in beside her. "So you were the woman in the ambulance with me..."

Lexa looked at Clarke with a shocked expression, taking the phone out of her hands. She frowned at the photo. "I'm sorry, I didn't know these were on there." The screen went black as Lexa locked it, looking back at Clarke with a guilty expression. "Yes, have you been remembering?"

"No,” Clarke sighed. “Dreaming."

* * *

Lexa had left her half an hour later, vowing to bring Clarke another coffee before her shift the next morning. The conversation had been easy between them. Clarke had successfully avoided the questioning look Lexa gave her about the revelation she had seen her in a dream and they talked about college. It turned out Lexa was studying to work with children in the foster care system, like herself, Anya and Lincoln had been. Clarke smiled sleepily at the memory of Lexa's speech becoming more and more precise and proper the more impassioned she became talking about it.

The paper Clarke had been drawing in lay discarded on the bed next to her, and Clarke closed her eyes, giving in to the sleepiness that had been creeping up on her all morning.

"Sorry I couldn't come sooner.” Clarke wasn't sure if she had been half dozing for minutes or hours, but her mom was suddenly next to her bed pulling a set of pyjamas out of a rucksack. "I had to make some calls."

All her muscles felt like they were protesting as she pushed herself up the bed until she was sitting against the pillow. Silently, Clarke watched her mom continue to rummage through the bag.

"I brought your charger." Her mom announced, handing Clarke the white device.

A lazy smile pulled across the blonde's face, and she quickly plugged it into the empty phone on the table. "Thanks."

"How are you?" Her mother's concerned gaze landed on Clarke's leg, and in all honesty with the top ups of painkiller Dr Wallace had been prescribing it hadn't hurt at all.

"Tired, painkillers-" a yawn interrupted her, the tiredness still not shifting despite her nap. "Great for pain, not so great for cognitive activity."

The answer apparently satisfied her mom, and she squeezed at Clarke's. "We'll make a doctor out of you yet."

From the bag, her mom pulled out a final set of pyjamas and Clarke frowned when she zipped the bag shut. She had been hoping her her mom would have brought her sketch book with her.

"Have you seen Raven today?" Her mom asked her.

Clarke looked away. "I- No, I wasn't sure how."

"She doesn't blame you Clarke." Her mother replied before reaching out to lightly cup Clarke's cheek. "Come on, lets go."

It was an entirely _mother_ like smile that her mom gave her, and Clarke knew there was no point arguing with her. Truthfully, she should have gone to see Raven earlier. The Blake's weren't coming back until late that evening, and Clarke knew it was unlikely Raven would let anyone else in to see her.

* * *

Raven stirred from her sleep when Clarke was pushed into the room. Selfishly, Clarke hoped her friend had managed to spend most the day sleeping and not wondering where her best friend was.

"My two favourite Griffin's." Raven slurred. Clarke wasn't sure if it's from the sleepiness or the morphine pump that Raven no doubt kept squeezing on.

"We're the only two Griffin's, Raven." Her mom smiled before kissing the side of the brunette's head.

"Well I suppose Clarke has to be my favourite for a while, seeing as she rescued me from the jaws of a shark." Raven quipped.

It was a familiar defence strategy of Raven's. Joke about something until it became the norm, then breakdown half way through a movie night when it finally became too much. It had taken three months for Raven to finally tell Clarke what happened with her mom. She had cried in her arms for _hours_ , but when they woke up in the morning she had gone right back to pretending it had never happened.

The look on Clarke's face apparently didn't go unnoticed by Raven, and her own expression turned briefly serious. "Look, Clarke it sucks, like really sucks, but I'm dealing with it okay? I'm sorry about how I acted last night."

Clarke's mom was interrupting before Clarke had the chance to reply. "We're just worried, things are going to be so different for you now, Raven." She said sadly whilst tucking a strand of hair behind the brunette's ear.

A familiar glint returned to Raven's eyes, and Clarke knew her friend wasn't going to talk about it seriously any further that day. "I know, priority parking and a guaranteed seat wherever I go."

Her mom seemed to sense the same thing because she dropped her hand from Raven's brunettes face and looked back towards Clarke. "A couple of marine biologists called me this morning." She confessed and Raven's face became the confused mirror image of Clarke's own at the change in topic. "They want to talk to you both about what happened. Would that be okay?"

Raven sucked in a breath, and Clarke could tell she didn't want to face it yet. "When?"

"Tomorrow, I think getting it out the way might be best for you both, then you can start dealing with what happened. _B_ _oth_ of you can." Clarke jolted in surprise when her mom looked directly at her. She thought she was keeping her inner turmoil well and truly under wraps. "In the future you're going to have questions, it might be best to have them answered now."

Raven took in a shuddering breath. "Yeah, sure, one of them might be hot. If Octavia and Clarke managed to pull in the middle of all this, then the invalid should be allowed to."

Clarke's face felt like it was on fire, and her mom raised her brow. "I have no idea what she's talking about." Clarke quickly denied.

"Oh? So _Lexa_ didn't bring you coffee this morning?" Raven smirked.

Clarke was struggling to find the words for a response, because she had no idea how Raven even managed to find out about it. "I think I'm due my next batch of pain killers, mom can we leave?"

Instead of wheeling her back out the room, her mom just crossed her arms, her eyebrow raising impossibly higher. "Lexa, huh?"

* * *

The next time Clarke jerked awake it was evening. Even through the haze of painkillers, Clarke could remember the feeling of jaws crushing in on her body.

A covered tray was sitting on the table next to her, and the sight of the wrapped sandwich made her stomach twist. Clarke already knew she wouldn't be able to eat any of it. Instead, she reached for the phone next to it and unplugged the charger.

As soon as Clarke hit the power button it sprung to life, text after text making it to vibrate in her hand for two whole minutes before she could finally get into her inbox. There was a whole strew of messages from her friends that she hadn't noticed the night before, but it was the name near the top of the list that caught her eye first.

The date stamp mark on Lexa's text was from the night before, just after Clarke's phone had finally run out of the battery and she smiled at the simple message.

 **Lexa** : Goodnight Clarke

 **Clarke** : Hey, my phone's alive again, could you send me Lincoln's number?

 **Lexa** : ...

The tiny flashing dots taunted Clarke for the longest time. She couldn't help wonder if Lexa rewriting her answer again and again or if she was getting Anya to check it first. By the time Lexa replied her thumbs had already started darting across the keyboard to apologise for interrupting her evening.

 **Lexa** : Sure

The number came through seconds later, and Clarke could feel her brow pinching together in confusion. For such a simple response, it took had an abhorrent amount of time for the reply to come through.

 **Clarke** : Thnx!

She kept her reply simple, knowing it was enough for Lexa to escape the conversation if she wanted, but again the dots appear on the screen as Lexa typed.

 **Lexa** : ...

She watched the flashing dots again, and after five minutes, Clarke was about to press the green call button next to Lexa's name. The conversation was going to go nowhere fast if Lexa insisted on taking so long to reply.

 **Lexa** : I should probably let you know, he's developed a soft spot for your friend Octavia

 **Lexa** : I'm sorry, I just thought you should know

A laugh bubbled in Clarke's throat, and suddenly Lexa's lengthy reply times made sense. Clarke decided not to make her wait, quickly typing the reply to alleviate her worry.

 **Clarke** : I know, you should have seen them in Raven's room yesterday, they weren't exactly subtle

 **Lexa** : Then why do you want his number???

 **Clarke** : So I can give him Octavia's number ;) I take it he's single?

 **Lexa** : Unbearably so, you should have seen the moon eyes they were giving each other when we left the hospital

 **Lexa** : Anya's going to have to coach him through his first few texts as well

Lexa must have missed the slip, and the thought of Anya explaining the do's and don't's of texting to the brunette made a warmth settle within Clarke.

 **Clarke** : Operation Linctavia is on

 **Lexa** : I'm not even going to acknowledge that with a proper reply. Go to sleep Clarke, it's late

It wasn't late at all, barely even past eight, but she still yawned.

 **Clarke** : Spoilsport. Goodnight Lexa x

 **Lexa:** ...

The screen stayed like that for another five minutes, and Clarke was considering just putting the phone down and looking at it in the morning.

 **Lexa** : Goodnight Clarke x

Clarke would bet all the money in the world that Lexa spent the whole five minutes inserting and deleting the little x at the end of her message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to slow burn this like a stick of incense.


	6. Chapter 6

 There was a white cloud above her. It looked like a rabbit. Lifting her arm, Clarke traced its outline, over the elongated ears and all the way down to its tail before letting her hand drop into the sea below her.

She was back again, floating across the ocean, except this time Raven wasn't with her. It felt like she had been bobbing about on her own for _days,_ just waiting for something to happen.

"Hey, kiddo.”

Clarke's head snapped to the side so quickly, she was worried she might fall straight off the surfboard and into the ocean.

"Dad?"

"Surprised to see me?" His smile was _huge_ and he looked so real that Clarke had to remind herself where she was. "Yeah, never thought you'd get me on a surfboard."

"I didn't, you-" her heart clenched as she practically whimpered her next words. "You _died,_ dad."

"I did?!" Her dad asked. He looked genuinely surprised at her confession, and Clarke wondered if maybe she was stuck in some sort of limbo, somewhere between living and dying. Maybe the shark hadn't let her go in the ocean, maybe she was still being dragged into the deep and it was actually the past few days that had been a dream.

Maybe _she_ _was_ dead too.

Her dad's brow was still creased in confusion and Clarke swallowed down the lump in her throat.

"In the forest, we-" the pressure in her chest was becoming unbearable. "You had a heart attack, I _saw_ you die."

The blue sky above them started to cloud over, the dark masses curling in out of nowhere until the stormy sky matched the one Clarke had seen above the forest the day her dad died. It seemed like a strange juxtaposition that the sea remained so calm whilst the silent storm raged above them, lightening flashing across the rain laden clouds.

"Well, at least it was in the great outdoors." He joked before reaching his hand across the small gap between them, covering her hand with his. Clarke just wanted to feel him holding her, just one more time. Another flash of lightening bolted above her. "And with the person I loved most in the world."

The tears started to spill freely down Clarke's face. It was a dream. She knew that. Even though she could smell the heavy scent of rain in the air, even though she could feel the ocean lapping at her thighs, she _knew_ it wasn't real.

"I don't want to wake up, not when you're here." She confessed, her voice barely managing to choke the words out.

"You have to kiddo." His hand squeezed hers again, and Clarke held on as tightly as she could "You can't let this hold you back, Clarke. You need to move on."

Clarke wasn't sure if he meant the shark attack or him dying, but both felt like they had been festering inside her. She was about to say something when there was a sharp pull on her leg. The force of it yanked her straight off the edge of the board and into the sea.

The water was quickly darkening around her as she was dragged back into the deep ocean. Clarke watched as her dad slowly disappeared from view, flashes of lightening all around him.

She had to get back to him, she had to see her dad again. Desperately, she started to struggle against the pull on her leg. Bubbles were erupting from her mouth as she started to scream out for him.

The hold on her leg suddenly disappeared.

Clarke could hear something. It sounded like muffled words. Twisting her body, she looked out into the dark water, search for the source of them. On her second twist, she froze.

The shark was hovering in the water, its tail slowly sweeping from side to side as it stared at her.

_"Call Dr Wallace! Miss Griffin I need you to wake up."_

It was a dream. She had just seen her dad, so it had to be a dream. Clarke couldn't wake up though, not when those black eyes were staring at her, waiting to drag her into the deep.

The wait was apparently up, and with one strong flick of its tail the shark was thrusting towards her again. Clarke tried to swim, desperately kicking her legs and pulling her arms through the water, both working in tandem to drag herself to the surface.

When the jaws closed on her leg it wasn't the gentle tug she remembered. There was no light tug on her calf or a slow and steady descent. There was just teeth cutting through her leg.

 _"Let go of her right leg!"_ Another voice echoed through the ocean, and the sharks grip instantly loosened. _"Clarke, you need to wake up now."_

The pain in Clarke's leg was quickly dissipating. When she looked, she was expecting to see the torn jagged flesh left in the sharks wake. Except. Her leg was fine. The pale skin remained completely unblemished by the sharks onslaught. Clarke wasn't sure what made her turn again, but when she did open jaws were snapping around her torso.

Clarke screamed until it feels like her throat was going to burn through her neck.

_"Clarke!"_

The ocean exploded, and suddenly people dressed in scrubs were all around her. She needed to get away, she needed to get out.

"Clarke, you need to calm down." A familiar voice ordered.

Clarke continued to struggles, the tightness pulling at her chest with each inhale until it was too much to take. Desperately, she tried to pull her arms from the grasps of the people surrounding her, thrashing her body from side to side to dislodge them.

"Clarke your going to-" The voice tried to reason with her, but she _needed_ to escape.

"LET GO!" Clarke yelled, the volume of her voice shocking her. It also managed to startle the nurse holding her left arm long enough for the blonde to pull it free. With the appendage out of the strangers grasp, Clarke quickly turned her body. Aiming for the man holding her left, Clarke thrust her fist into the side of his face with a sickening thud of bone on bone.

"Jeffrey, take her left side!"

There was suddenly a stronger man holding her down, straightening her arm.

"I'm sorry Clarke." She watched Dante helplessly, her tiring body not strong enough for her to resist as he slid the needle into her arm.

"No, no, no, no, no, no..." She begged. Everything was starting to darken around her again and her chest started to relax. "No... No... No..."

Clarke was only acutely aware of the loosening grip on her arms and legs. "No..."

* * *

When Clarke next awakened, the first thing her foggy mind noticed were the restraints fastened around her wrists. A dull soreness was radiating from her left hand. Clenching it into a fist, Clarke hissed in pain.

"You gave one of the orderlies a black eye." Her mom's voice informed her. Clarke opened her eyes and tried her best to focus the older woman. For possibly the hundredth time she wondered why the hospital lights were always so bright. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Clarke tried to lift her arm to wipe the sleep from her eye, only for it to snap back onto the bed. She glared down at the restraints.

"Not really, it was just a dream." She croaked, the soreness burning in the back of her throat from her screaming in the night.

Her mom's hand brushed over the purpling skin on Clarke's knuckles once. Standing up, the older woman unbuckled the cuff around her left wrist first, the strap pulling tighter before unclipping. Clarke flexed the freshly injured limb and watched her mother remove the rest of her restraints.

"You were thrashing around too much, Dr Wallace was worried you would hurt yourself." Her mom explained.

Memories of the dream slowly trickled into Clarke's mind. She shivered at the image of the shark latching onto her body. Even the painkillers weren't enough to block it out.

When the strap on her right arm opened, Clarke pushed her hair back. She frowned at the greasy feel of it.

Reaching under her pillow, Clarke quickly pulled out her phone to check the time. It was late morning. Lexa would have already visited and seen her tied down to the bed. She sighed heavily at the realisation. It wasn't the exactly the kind of impression she wanted to give the girl.

"They said you were calling out for your dad." Her mom said.

The phone dropped out of Clarke's hand and onto the bed.

It was meant as a comforting gesture. Clarke knew that. But she quickly pulled her hand back before her mom can hold it with her own. "Don't." She seethed.

A sudden rush of anger was burning from the pit of Clarke's stomach. She refused to let the first time her mom had spoken about her dad in over a year to be there, in that hospital. The very hospital her mom had decided to take a last minute shift at instead of spending the weekend with her husband and daughter. The weekend Clarke's dad had died right in front of her.

Clarke's wasn't sure if it was because she was tired from the fresh pain of seeing her dad again, or if it was just years of accumulated hurt. Either way, she couldn't stand to hear her mom speak another word about her father.

"Clarke-"

"I said don't!” Clarke snapped. “You don't get to talk about him, not to me."

Clarke fleetingly wonders if she should feel guilty about the hurt that washes over her mother's face.

"We can't avoid talking about him forever, Clarke." Her mom said, her voice sounding tired. The older woman's shoulders were sagging under the weight of it all, and Clarke knew she wasn't being entirely fair on her.

Even though her mom had never actively sought Clarke out to talk about her father, Clarke had never tried to bring up the conversation either. She was just as guilty for avoiding the topic. There was only so much Clarke could take though and between her increasingly disturbing dreams and the guilt of Raven's leg, Clarke could already feel herself wearing dangerously thin.

"Can you just call the nurse for me? I need a shower." Clarke requested, her voice cracking. She was thirsty, but out of pride she refused to ask her mom for anything else.

The resignation on her mother's face at being dismissed was unmistakable. Clarke couldn't bear to look at it, and she rolled onto her side. Her teeth bit down on her bottom lip to stop herself from crying out at the pain rocketing up her leg.

* * *

The nurse pushing her wheelchair across to Raven's room looked familiar. When the recognition finally clicked into place, Clarke wanted to sink off the chair and straight through the floor. They had been in her room the night before.

Out of habit, Clarke nervously pulled on the strings of her hoodie. After her shower, the nurses had let her change into her own clothes, and the feeling of them had almost been as good as the feeling of the hot water from the shower washing over her body.

Clarke was surprised to see Raven sat up, the head of the bed lined up to support her back. Like Clarke she was no long dressed in a hospital gown. Clarke realised her mom must have brought pyjamas from their apartment for Raven too.

"Ooooo, someone's finally washed." Raven smiled.

If the nurse hadn't still been in the room, wheeling her into position next to the bed, Clarke would have stood up to swat the other girl with the newspaper resting on the bedside table.

"I see you're feeling better today." Clarke said playfully, her eyes rolling. Raven beamed down at her from the bed and Clarke quickly thanked the nurse before she left them alone.

"Totally, I had two hot nurses washing me this morning." The wink and grin that spreads across Raven's face was the definition of 'shit eating', and Clarke once again questioned the brunettes self declared heterosexuality.

Clarke frowned. "They left me in a shower seat to do it myself."

"You could have called Lexa. Asked her to help out." Raven waggled her eyebrows and Clarke's eyes widened in shock.

"I-" She flailed for an answer. "How are you even forming these opinions, you haven't even seen us together!"

"No, but Anya's been giving me a blow by blow because my _best friend_ isn't." Raven said, glaring at Clarke.

The fact Raven and Anya had apparently already traded phone numbers, despite only meeting once, was interesting. Clarke stored away the information to possible tease the brunette with at a later date. Really it didn't matter to Clarke if Raven _was_ actually interested in Anya, and it would be hypocritical of her if it did.

It was only then that Clarke noticed the slight strain in Raven's smile and the light redness around her eyes. "Have you been-" She began to ask.

"If you don't ask if I've been crying, I won't ask about why you were screaming and hitting nurses last night." Raven said pointedly.

Clarke was about to respond, possibly deny that anything had happened, when Lincoln's knock on the door interrupted them.

"Lincoln, hi." Clarke greeted him, with Raven waving from the bed.

"Hi, Lexa tried to visit earlier, they said you weren't taking visitors?" His brows creased in subtle confusion, his head tilting slightly to the side as he looks down at her. Clarke wondered if perpetual frowning was something that all the members of Lexa's adopted family excelled at.

"Yeah..." Clarke let the sentence trail off because wasn't entirely sure how to explain the situation without sounding completely crazy.

"Erm, she told me you draw." Lincoln continued. His hands were fidgeting with the paper bag he was carrying. Clarke nodded and he looked more sure of himself. "I bought you these." He said, handing her the bag.

"I- Thank you."

In awe she pulled out a dark red sketch book and flicked through the thick blank pages. The familiar smell of fresh paper made her smile.

"I wasn't sure what your style was, so there's a couple of pencil choices in there." He explained, and Clarke opened the the bag again. Rolling loose at the bottom was a collection of different pencils along with an eraser and sharpener.

"Lincoln, I can't take these, you really didn't have to."

Between Lexa bringing her coffee and Lincoln bringing her art supplies, Clarke wasn't sure which member of the Woods family she was falling in love with most.

"No it's fine, I draw too, it's all I ever get for birthday's and Christmas."

Clarke laughed. For years it was pretty much all her mother and friends had bought her.

"Yeah, I know the feeling, there's only so many sketch books you can go through in a year right?" She asked and Lincoln's mouth pulled up into a toothy grin. Clarke knew in that moment exactly what the first picture in the new sketch book would be, and she tried to commit each crease around his face to memory.

"Oh God." Raven blurted out from beside her. "Octavia's boyfriend is the most adorable creature I've ever met."

A blush instantly erupted across Lincoln's neck and face. "I'm not- Octavia's not my girlfriend." He mumbled.

"Uh huh, you plan on seeing each other outside of visiting us?" Raven asked. Clarke didn't think it was possible for the blush on Lincoln's cheeks to darken any further.

"We're having coffee tomorrow." He answered quietly, his hand nervously rubbing at the back of his head.

"Well he has my seal of approval,” Raven smiled, “Griffin?"

"I gave him her number, so he already had my approval, but the art supplies have definitely sealed the deal." Clarke winked at him and she could practically see him squirming in discomfort.

"Actually- I," Lincoln looked nervous again and he pulled his rucksack round. Letting it dangle on one shoulder he rummaged through it for a moment. "Anya told me to give this to you as well." He said whilst handing a box to Raven.

Impatiently, Raven ripped open the box. The smile that split across the brunettes face was instantaneous, and Clarke felt her own smile widening at the sight of it.

"A build your own alarm clock set?!" Raven beamed, searching through the contents. "And she took out the instructions!"

If it had been any other person, Clarke would have been confused by the odd excitement of having to put an alarm clock together without instructions. In Clarke's eyes it was bad enough having to put the alarm clock together to begin with.

"You tell that girl that as soon as I'm out of this bed, I'm taking her to bed ok?" Raven informed Lincoln.

Smiling at them, Lincoln shifted uncomfortably again. "Anyway, I've got to go, I was on my way to a shift at the beach."

"See ya ,Octavia's more polite buffer half, thanks for the deliveries." If Raven could feel her leg Clarke might hit her on it because she wasn't not sure how much more embarrassment the man could take before combusting on the spot.

He was half way out the door when Clarke called out to him. "Lincoln!"

"Yeah?"

"Tulips." She said. His brows creased in confusion again, and his head gave a little tilt. Clarke just knew Octavia was going to fall hard for him. "They're Octavia's favourite flowers. Thanks for the pencils."

Nodding his understanding he lifted his hand in one final goodbye before walking out.

In the time it took Lincoln to leave and for Clarke to turn back around, Raven already had her phone out.

“What are you doing?" Clarke asked.

"Texting Octavia that her new boyfriend is hot and perfect in every way." Raven said without looking away from the screen. Clarke could only imagine the embarrassment she was currently raining down on Octavia.

Clarke's own phone was weighing heavy in the pocket of her hoodie and she pulled it out. Ignoring the ever growing list of unread messages, she flicked straight to Lexa's thread.

 **Lexa** : I came by earlier, they said you weren't taking visitors. Is everything ok?

The time stamp showed a received time of hours prior. Clarke was already half way through typing an apology when another text appeared in the thread.

 **Lexa** : Lincoln will be coming by to see Raven shortly, he has something for you, I've told him to leave it with her

 **Clarke** : Totally meant to text earlier

 **Clarke** : Sorry about this morning-

She stopped abruptly, thinking about the conversation she had with Lexa the day before about not going through this alone. Talking to her mom was out of the question and Raven was just as shut off as Clarke was. There was Bellamy, or maybe even Octavia, but all she had been circling back to every time she thought about her words _was_ Lexa.

 **Clarke** : Sorry about this morning. Are you coming in tomorrow?

 **Lexa** : ...

A sigh of relief escaped her when she saw Lexa typing.

"Octavia says keep your filthy mits off her boyfriend by the way." Raven said.

 **Lexa** : I'm not working tomorrow. Morning or Afternoon?

 **Clarke** : Afternoon, I might even have another wash for you ;)

 **Lexa** : I can't wait to smell you

All Clarke could do was stare at the text, her eyes blinking dumbly at the words in front of her.

 **Lexa** : Anya's literally on the floor. That didn't sound quite the same when I was typing it

 **Clarke** : Any soap preferences? I have Alpine Fresh or Cherry Blossom

 **Lexa** : Alpine Fresh

Raven's text tone rung out from next to her, quickly followed by a choked laugh. Clarke already knew who had text her.

"Anya tells me you and Lexa are already planning to shower together, that escalated quickly." Raven quipped.

Resisting the urge to hit Raven with her abandoned newspaper was going to be an ongoing struggle for the rest of the afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Burn baby, burn, Clexa infernoooo~  
> Well it's not so much an inferno, more a tea light, but we're getting there. The next chapter _might_ be from Raven's POV, I think it's time we found out where she's at.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought it was about time for a Raven POV.
> 
> Just a pre-warning, there's a bit of an abuse mention when we delve into Raven's past a bit more. If you want to skip it when you reach the end of the line starting "Abby, you know I love you right?" skip the next two paragraphs and go straight to "Raven-". All you're really missing is: Raven had a horrible childhood, Finn knew and helped out as best he could, and she'll be forever grateful to Abby for helping her.

The first time Raven realised there was something incredibly wrong, was when Octavia's hand had patted against the bedspread, right where her knee was.

She hadn't felt a thing.

Afterwards, when she tried to move her left leg, not even her toes would move at her prompting. It was the doctor who had confirmed it, showing her and Abby the x-rays and scans that revealed the little piece of tooth that had been wedged into the side of her spine.

Breaking the news to Clarke had oddly been the toughest part. Even though the blonde had saved her life and what had happened to her leg wasn't even close to being her fault, Raven knew Clarke would carry it around as if it was her burden to bear. It had been written all over her friend's face. Clarke had risked her life to save her, Raven had _watched_ her disappear under the waves to what she thought was her death for her, and still Clarke blamed herself.

Throwing her phone back onto the bed next to her, Raven let out a heavy sigh. The wound on her side immediately smarted at the sudden exhale. She had been texting Octavia and Bellamy all morning, the pair of them bored of waiting for Clarke to finally reply to them. Raven was certain the other girl was just avoiding reading _any_ of the messages on her phone. Neither of them knew about her spine, they were both coming to see her that evening, and it wasn't like she could avoid telling them forever. The least she could do was tell them in person.

Reaching to the side of the bed, Raven pushed the release for the morphine pump. The machine whirled into life and dripped the next dose into her arm.

"Raven?" A voice called from the doorway. When Raven turned she was expecting to see a nurse, not a girl her age in a baggy blue jumper and a cup of coffee in her hand. "I'm Lexa."

"Hi?" Raven replied, slightly unsure. She recognised the name from somewhere. The other girl cleared her throat and walked towards her bed, digging through the back pocket of her jeans before pulling out a crumpled piece of paper.

"Anya heard I was coming to bring Clarke coffee," at the mention of Anya's name, Raven remembered Lexa's name being mentioned the night before. She was the other lifeguard who had dived in after Clarke.

Raven smirked, it hadn't taken Clarke long. One day after meeting her, the blonde already Lexa bringing her coffee. That held weeks of potential teasing.

"She asked me to give you this." Lexa said, holding the paper out for Raven to take.

There was a number scribbled on it in what Raven assumed was Anya's messy handwriting. Just underneath it there was a message.

“ _Cheer up beach girl, you've got my number now - A”_

A smile pulled the corners of Raven's mouth and she looked back towards Lexa. "Thanks."

"I need to go, I hope you feel better soon, Raven."

It was subtle, Raven would give Lexa that, but she still saw the tiny flicker of Lexa's eyes towards her legs. Clarke must have told her about it. Instead of being offended by Clarke potential over stepping by revealing the state of her spine to Lexa, she felt relieved that the blonde might have found someone to talk to about it. She hoped Lexa would help punch it Clarke's thick skull that none of this was her fault.

"Yeah, so do I. See you around, Lexa."

Raven waited for Lexa to before picking her phone up off the bed.

 **Raven** : Getting your minions to do your dirty work huh?

It didn't take long for Anya to reply.

 **Anya** : Hardly, there's a reason we call her the Commander, she's in charge here

 **Anya** : What did the doc have to say yesterday?

The question caught her off guard. Raven wasn't expecting Anya to outright ask her what the doctor said. She was expecting a standard “how are you?”.

Raven thought about lying. It would be easy enough to tell Anya that the doctor had told her she would survive to surf another day, or to avoid the question completely and say she was too distracted by Abby holding onto her hand to really notice.

Except, Lexa knew. There was no reason Lexa wouldn't mention it to the Anya. In the end she was going to find out anyway.

 **Raven** : That I had no organ damage, but my left leg is for aesthetics only now

 **Anya** : Fuck, you're shitting me?

 **Raven** : I wish...

Raven's phone suddenly sprung to life in her hand, the vibrations travelling straight up her arm. The screen was flashing Anya's name.

As soon as Raven had the phone against her ear, Anya's voice drifted through the speaker. "I'm not sure why I called."

Raven blinked in surprise. "Right." She said, waiting for Anya to speak again, but the phone stayed silent. Raven watched the seconds on the clock pinned to the wall tick by. All she can hear was her own breathing. "Do you want me to hang up?" She finally asked.

"No." Anya quickly replied. The silence carried on anyway, and Raven thought maybe she misunderstood. "So you met Lexa."

Raven hummed. "Yeah, she stopped by for a couple of minutes."

"I think she likes your friend Clarke."

Raven laughed because with Clarke's bright blue eyes, blonde hair and ridiculous curves combined, _a lot_ of people who met Clarke liked her.

"Yeah, it happens a lot. Tell Lexa to give her time though, she's going through some shit right now." Raven informed the other girl.

"And you?" Anya asked. Raven knew what she was referring to.

"Well Clarke is kinda cute..."

"That's not what I meant." There was an edge to Anya's voice that Raven tried to ignore.

"Oh right, well Lexa's pretty hot too."

Anya didn't reply straight away, but Raven could heavy sigh through the speaker. "Raven."

A heavy breath made its way out of Raven's own chest again, and she flinched at the pressure the subtle expansion of her ribs causes against her stitched skin. Anya wasn't going to drop it. There was something about the girl that told Raven no matter what answer she gave her, she would keep pushing until she got something at least half way honest.

“This shit with my leg. It's-" Raven paused because truthfully she hadn't even had time to think about the repercussions properly. She had lost the use of her _leg_ , her life was never going to be the same again. "Yeah, it's going to take time."

They talked for an hour after that. Apparently happy enough with Raven's answer, Anya had let the subject drop to less volatile ground. She learnt about Anya's adopted relationship with Lincoln and Lexa, but refrained from asking why the three of them had been in the system, despite how curious she was. In return she let slip that Abby had taken her into the Griffin household over a year and a half ago. They talked about college, but she avoided talking about her love for hockey. It was the one sport she played, _used_ to play, and how she would never join the college team now.

If Clarke had found someone to talk to in the form of Lexa, then maybe Anya could take that place for her.

When Raven hung up, she realised in the whole hour she hadn't hit the button on her morphine pump once.

* * *

"God Raven, I'm so sorry." One of Bellamy's calloused hands covered her own, squeezing gently.

"Does Clarke know?" Octavia asked. She was perched on the end of her bed, her grip on the half eaten pot of jello she had stolen from Raven wavering.

"Yeah, I told her last night." She revealed. They both nod solemnly, and she could hear the unasked question. "She hasn't taken it very well."

* * *

"Morning, Raven." Abby greeted.

Raven wasn't surprised to see her in her room. It was late morning, and she had already been awake for a few hours waiting for either her or Clarke to make an appearance.

"Hey." She smiled.

"How are you feeling?" It was an entirely motherly like gesture when Abby lifted her hand to Raven's face to move some imaginary hair tightly behind her ear. Raven couldn't help leaning into the contact.

Tiredness tugged at her consciousness. After her conversation with the Blake's the night before, she had found it difficult to sleep. Without thinking she shifted in the bed, and winced. "Uncomfortable, but you know, still alive so..."

Looking into Abby's eyes, Raven could see the unshed tears pooling in the corners. She was fairly sure what, or more to the point _who,_ was the cause of them is.

When Raven had finally drifted off to sleep, it was only a couple of hours later the screaming and the sound of nurses scrambling into Clarke's room had woken her up again.

"So, I heard Clarke screaming last night." She revealed.

"Yes." The older woman sighed and took a seat next to her. Raven could see the worry etched across her face. "They had to sedate her. She's just a kid Raven, I wish she would just _talk_ to me about what happened, I mentioned her dad and she just shut down-"

"Abby, you know I love you right?" Raven interrupted, and she meant it with all her heart. Despite the pair of them mercilessly teasing Clarke by implying a more illicit side to their relationship, she really did love Abby in the purest sense of the word. Ever since taking her in Abby had been more of a mother to her in a year and half than Raven's own mother had ever been.

That night when Raven had ended up in hospital almost two years ago, was both the worst and best night of her life. When her mother hadn't been drinking, she was the most caring, doting mother Raven could have ever asked for. Even through all the abuse, Raven had still idolised her. It was the Jekyll and Hyde of it though because for as many fond memories Raven had of her, there were a far greater number of bad ones. Of cigarette burns on her arms, of ducking glass bottles as they were hurled across the room at her, of an ashtray being slammed into the back of her head so hard she had ended up in hospital.

The force of the ashtray had knocked Raven clean out, and it was only because the nurses were scared her brain was bleeding that she had ended up on Abby's surgical ward. Raven had tried to lie, to protect her mum, but Abby had seen straight through it.

By the time Raven broke down and admitted everything to her, it turned out that Clarke's mom had already set things in motion. Bellamy, Murphy and Finn were already working in an uneasy truce to move all of Raven's stuff to the Griffin's apartment and her mum was already in custody. Finn had been the only person to know the full extent of what had been happening behind the closed doors of her house. It didn't change what had happened between him and Clarke, but he was always there to help clean her up, even after they broke up. For all his flaws, Finn _had_ genuinely tried to help her, always bringing an extra bag of lunch for her, letting her crash at his house on the nights her mom was particularly out of control.

"Raven-" Abby's voice brought Raven back into the present and she quickly cut her off again.

"You weren't there for her when Jake died." She stated simply. It was the truth, and she knew Abby regretted how she handled Jake's death, but her mouth falls open in shock anyway.

"I-"

"Listen, Mamma G, you don't need to defend yourself, I know you were dealing with your own shit, I'm not blaming you ok?" Abby nodded, and even though Clarke didn't see it, or maybe just refused to see it, Raven knew how much Abby blamed herself for what had happened that weekend in the woods as well. "But you can't expect her to just suddenly open up to you. Clarke doesn't- she doesn't _deal_ with things, she buries them and _pretends_ she's okay."

"She blames herself for so much." Abby muttered. There was a sound of absolute resignation in Abby's voice. Raven knew the uneasy and unspoken truce between her and Clarke was already straining after just two days.

"When Jake died, we weren't exactly bff's back then," which was an understatement, they were barely even friends three years ago, it just so happened their friends were friends with each other. "But even though she _vocally_ blamed you it was pretty obvious she blamed herself."

Raven still remembered walking in on Finn and Clarke arguing about it one day, before she knew Finn was secretly dating the pair of them.

"It was a heart attack, there was nothing she could have done Raven." Abby practically plead.

Raven didn't bother pointing out that also meant Abby couldn't have done anything either. Raven knew the story, and when it happened, Clarke and Jake had been _miles_ into the woods. Even with Abby there, with how big the heart attack was, even Raven knew there was nothing either of them could have done.

"There was nothing she could do about this either." Raved said, waving down in the general direction of her leg. "She's not a damn shark whisperer, but she's still in there blaming herself!"

A strained laugh broke the tension in the room, and Abby offered her a watery smile. "She takes so much responsibility for everything."

"Except cleaning the oven, she never takes responsibility for that." Raven smiled. The statement drew a slightly lighter laugh from Abby.

Shaking her head, Abby pointed down towards Raven's leg. "Has the doctor said anything more about your leg?"

"Yeah, I start physio tomorrow morning?"

In truth, Raven wasn't sure what they were hoping to achieve. It wasn't like she could get out of bed yet, so how physio was even going to help was a mystery to her.

"It will probably just be an assessment, Clarke starts hers tomorrow as well." A frown erased the smile that had been on Abby's face again.

This time, Raven reached out for Abby, pulling her hand onto the bed and squeezing it. "She's going to be okay Abby, we both are."

"I know, you're both so _young_ though, it's not fair that this has happened to you."

"Well, with things this bad, it can only get better right?" Raven asked, but even from her own lips she thought it sounded like a lie.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went on an unannounced What The Water Gave Me hiatus... Wasn't that cute? I took the time off to try and finish a Rookie Blue fic I've been writing for the past year and a half. It sort of spiralled and went on a lot longer than planned... Anyway there's four chapters left to post on it, but they're all outlined and mostly complete, so I can finally spend some proper time on this fic.
> 
> The good news for you guys is Rookie Blue was cancelled last summer, and I still finished the fic. So even though The 100 was cancelled mid episode seven, I'll still finish this story too :D

"A great white? Are you guys serious?" Octavia sounded equal parts astonished and impressed. Clarke smiled when the brunette leant forwards, her brown eyes widening as Raven nodded.

Bellamy let out a sigh at his sisters response. Clarke almost rolled her eyes and waited for him to speak up. Reprimanding Octavia was something their older friend had always engaged in, so it surprised her when she looked up to find Bellamy still leaning against the wall, just lightly shaking his head at his little sister.

He _did_ look decidedly _unimpressed_ though, and Clarke was glad at least some things continued to stay the same. Ever since the day they first met, Bellamy had taken his role as Octavia's big brother seriously. After their father left, Bellamy had done everything in his power to keep his mom and Octavia safe and happy. It was beyond anything anyone had asked of him, and despite Octavia's often vocal protest, Clarke knew the younger Blake was thankful for everything Bellamy had done for her. Without him working extra shifts and saving everything he earned, Octavia wouldn't be going to college.

The Blake's had been in the hospital for less then ten minutes, but Clarke knew Octavia had been practically dying all afternoon to ask them how their time with the shark experts had been. She also knew that after midday, Bellamy had confiscated her phone. He said it was to stop Octavia hounding her and Raven all day, and apparently it was just a coincidence that it also meant Octavia wouldn't be able to talk to Lincoln for the afternoon.

"Well technically," Raven paused briefly to push a pair of imaginary glasses up her nose and made her voice as nasal as possible. "It was a _Carcharodon carcharias_ , wasn't it Miss Griffin?"

Clarke nodded in agreement and tried her best to copy Raven's tone of voice. "Indeed, Miss Reyes. They have over 300 teeth. It's _fascinating_ really."

Raven let out a snort of laughter before her voice returned to normal. "God, they knew their stuff, but could they have been any more boring?"

Clarke laughed because she knew exactly why the two men had been so uneasy with them. "Can you blame them? Five minutes in and you were taking your top off!"

The expression on the scientists faces had been priceless, and Clarke was fairly sure her own face had looked _exactly_ the same. When one of them had mentioned the size of Raven's bite mark, there wasn't a single part of her that expected Raven to lift her shirt over her head to proudly display the bandage that was wrapped around her torso.

"What?!" Octavia was already laughing, her hand slapping down on her thigh as Raven tried to explain.

"I was showing them the bite!" Raven protested.

"They already had pictures!" Clarke realised it was the wrong thing to say the moment the words left her. Silence quickly descends between them all and Raven froze.

They both had a copy of the photos. The thick brown envelope had practically burnt Clarke's hands when one of the biologist had told her what was in it. She hadn't even unwrapped the string that was holding it together.

Neither of them had spoken about them after that, and once the pair had left Clarke had gone straight back to her room to stash the envelope inside the cupboard where she could forget about it. Despite wanting to burn the thick wad of photos, a part of Clarke did want to see them. To look at the damage that had almost cost her, her life. She had read her medical notes. Just a couple more centimetres and her tibial artery would have been severed. Clarke would have bled out before reaching the shore.

The two men had explained a lot, and her mom was right, they _did_ answer a lot of questions she and Raven didn't even know they wanted the answer to. The shark was 16ft, or there abouts, and Clarke had shivered at the sudden memory of being dragged along side its hulking mass. The shark didn't want to kill Raven. It was a case of mistaken identity. Their silhouettes on the surface looking more like seals than humans on a surfboard. It was just unlucky that Raven had been the one clamped between its jaws. As for Clarke, they weren't so sure, but the fact it had let her go made them think it was just an _experiment_. It just wanted to taste her, and the thought had made Clarke want to retch.

"Gnarly." Octavia's voice broke the silence.

"Octavia." This time Bellamy did raise his voice in warning, glaring down at his sister.

"What? I'm just saying-"

Bellamy interrupted her before she could continue, his arms folding across his chest. "Well don't."

"Bell, it's fine." Raven said, raising an eyebrow when he began to argue back. "Don't argue with me freckles, or I'll get Octavia into unspeakable trouble at college."

They fall back into an easy conversation after that. The awkwardness of Raven's reaction to the photos was quickly forgotten as they planned for college. It was only a few weeks away, and really Clarke couldn't wait to start putting everything that had happened to her and Raven behind her.

* * *

Pushing her back against the pillows of her bed, Clarke winced as she adjusted her aching leg.

After Bellamy and Octavia had left them, Raven had fallen asleep within minutes. The amount of painkillers Raven was on far outweighed Clarke's own, and after their long day, Clarke knew the brunette was exhausted. She had stayed with her friend for a while, standing over Raven's bed to watch as the other girl slept. It was only when the throbbing in her leg became too much that she was forced to sit back in her wheelchair. It was comforting to watch Raven's chest rise and fall, it was comforting to know Raven was still alive and that eventually everything _was_ going to be okay.

With her leg finally repositioned, Clarke was about to start drawing again, desperate to continue sketching out the kind lines of Lincoln's face. The flashing of her phone stopped her though. She couldn't help smiling when she read the name on the screen.

"Lexa, hi."

"Clarke? Oh. I- Hello." There was an unmistakable tone of surprise in Lexa's voice. Clarke furrowed her brow in confusion. She waited for Lexa to continue, and her confusion only increased as almost half a minute ticked by. If it wasn't for the heavy breathing she could still hear through the receiver, Clarke would have thought Lexa had hung up on her.

"What are you doing?" Another voice quietly called from the other end of the phone. It was almost inaudible, but Clarke knew it most definitely wasn't Lexa's.

"I don't know! You're the one that called her!" Even with what Clarke assumed was her hand muffling the phone, Lexa sounded complete flustered. Clarke smiled at the thought of the blush that must be covering the girls face.

"Because you wouldn't shut up, now ask her how she is." Anya's voice came through slightly clearer, and the situation on the other end of the phone suddenly made sense. _Anya_ had called her, and now Lexa was dealing with the fallout.

"How are you, Clarke?" Lexa asked suddenly, her voice clear and unmuffled. In the background Clarke could hear Anya groan out a quiet exasperated “Jesus Christ.”

"Better for hearing from you." Clarke let a flirty tone drop into her voice. The smile on her face only grew wider when Lexa started to stutter over her words. It was clear the other girl was completely unprepared for their call, and Clarke can't help taking pity on her as she continued to struggle. "I'm sorry about this morning, I know you went out of your way to come here."

The sentiment seemed to put Lexa on better footing. The next time the brunette spoke her voice didn't waver. "It's fine, I'm the one who should be apologising, I should have text you first to tell you I was coming." Clarke rolled her eyes despite herself because she already knew that Lexa was coming. The other girl had told her as much the night before. "It's understandable if you don't want strangers visiting you all the time Clarke. It's okay."

Clarke's body physically jerked. She had saved Clarke's life, she was anything but a stranger.

"You're not a stranger, Lexa." It sounded like the brunette was about to protest, so Clarke quickly pushed on before she could interrupt. "You saved my life, that promotes you past casual acquaintance and straight to friend."

"Friend?!" Lexa practically yelped. Her reaction set of the first swirling of uncertainty in Clarke's stomach.

"Yeah, I mean, if you want to be?" Clarke asked, and this time it was her who sounded nervous. It was then that a horrifying thought hit her. What if this is just what life guards have to do when they rescue someone? What if Lexa visiting her, in all her awkwardness, forgot to tell her that this was just her work? Clarke buried her face into her free hand, and she could feel tears prickling at her eyes as her embarrassment started to rise. "Oh God, this is part of your job isn't it? Shit. I'm so sorry, Lexa. I didn't mean to imply-"

"What? No, I-"

Clarke had to cut her off. She could already feel her chest aching when she tried to recover some dignity, because she couldn't see Lexa again, not after making such a fool of herself. "You don't have to visit tomorrow, you probably have other things to do and-"

"Clarke." Lexa's voice was stern and _commanding._ Clarke instantly closed her mouth, listening to Lexa's frustrated breathing.

"This isn't part of my job, well,” Lexa stated softly. “I mean, the first time it was, but," the sound of rustling fabric alerted Clarke to the fact that Lexa must have been leaving whatever room Anya was in. "I wanted to see you, Clarke. I would still like to see you tomorrow if that's okay?"

Clarke was only aware of how tense her body had become when Lexa's words finally let had her relaxing back in the pillows. "Yeah, I would like that too." She confessed.

"Good."

"Great."

There was silence on the the other end of the phone again, and Clarke waited patiently for Lexa to decide what she wanted to do next. "I should hang up now. I'm sorry if I disturbed you."

It was adorable really. Clarke couldn't quite understand how someone who could appear so strong and confident one minute, could become so awkward and shy the next.

"Goodnight Lexa,” Clarke said. “And you didn't disturb me, technically Anya did."

Lexa let out a short bark of laughter and Clarke instantly makes it her goal to see Lexa laughing in person. She could only imagine the laughter lines that might appear on the other girls face. Already her hands itched to draw them.

"Goodnight, Clarke." Lexa said calmly. Clarke expected her to hang up, but as she kept the phone against her ear, she could still hear Lexa's breathing.

She was about to ask the other girl if she wanted to talk for a while longer when the phone finally disconnected..

Clarke's heart felt light again, and she didn't try to quash feeling. Lexa intrigued her. More so that anyone had in a long time. Even though Clarke wasn't ready to consider anything more than friendship with the girl, she cound't wait to try and figure her out.

* * *

The water around Clarke was calm. It was a dream. She _knew_ it was a dream, but she could still feel her heart starting to pound in her chest.

She wished she had just taken the painkillers the nurse had offered her. If she had then Clarke wouldn't be here now.

The shark was close. Clarke could see it in the way the water was rippling. She could see it in the way the sky was filling with dark clouds.

There was a splash behind her, and Clarke quickly turned around, but there was nothing there. Another splash had her turning her body the other way, but again Clarke was met with the sight of the endless ocean.

Clarke let out a heavy exhale. The hairs on the back of her neck prickled.

She knew it was there.

Turning around again her eyes widen and she screamed. The mouth of the shark was already wide open, and she braced her body as it slammed into her.

* * *

By the time the afternoon finally rolled around, Clarke wanted nothing more than for someone to just saw her leg off. The pain from the day before had only increased ten fold after being forced through her first morning physio session.

The drawing of Lexa wasn't finished. Her braids were still mostly untouched, but Clarke threw the book down on the bed anyway. Even with an extra dose of painkillers, it felt like the skin on her leg is burning from the inside. It was becoming increasingly difficult to focus on the subtle lines she was trying draw.

"What did it ever do to you?" Lexa's voice asked from the doorway. Clarke immediately smiled up at her. "I brought coffee."

Lexa was wearing another baggy jumper, this time green, and Clarke can't help smiling at the way the sleeves dangle over her hands. She also couldn't help noticing the shorts Lexa's wearing, or how much of her legs they left uncovered.

Handing Clarke the coffee, Lexa sat on the chair next to her bed. Blowing through the hole of the top of the cup, Clarke took a sip. It had the same strange caramel taste as the coffee Lexa had bought her a couple of days ago, and Clarke felt like her whole body was melting.

"Oh God, this is so good, Lexa." She practically moaned. Her eyes closed at the fading taste of caramel on her tongue. "How do you make this so _good_?"

Lexa coughed awkwardly and Clarke opens her eyes to find a blush covering the brunette's cheeks. "It's a secret."

Clarke squinted at the girl. "Is this a ruse to keep seeing me?"

"Is it working?" Lexa asked, all confidence again. Clarke felt her own smile growing when Lexa smirked at her.

Raising her eyebrow, Clarke replied softly. "Perhaps."

Lexa hesitated, and Clarke realised their moment of flirting is over. "You look tired." She commented cautiously as if Clarke might find it offensive.

Clarke hummed and took another sip of her coffee. "I didn't sleep so well last night."

"Is it your leg?" The brunette asked. Lexa looked annoyed, and she turned in her seat, staring accusingly at the door. "Why aren't they giving you something to stop it hurting?"

"Lexa." Clarke prompted, and she waited for the girl to turn around again. The frown on her face looked particularity endearing. "I- It's not my leg keeping me up."

"Oh." Lexa hesitated again, looking her directly in the eye for a few moments. "Do you want to talk about what is?"

Truthfully, no. Clarke didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to forget about her dreams altogether. She wanted to forget about the feel of the sharks teeth slicing through her leg. She wanted to forget that her life might never be the same again. But Clarke knew it wasn't about to just disappear. She also knew Lexa had been through her own losses and that maybe Lexa could help her understand what was happening to her. It was part of the reason Clarke had asked the brunette to come visit her that afternoon.

With one final deep breath, Clarke braced herself as she started to open up. "I've been dreaming about what happened, but it's-" the images of her dreams started to flash through her mind. The sight of her dad, the sight of the sharks jaws snapping closed around her, the sight of Lexa's dead body floating in the water as the shark dragged her through the hospital. "It's _not_ what happened though. It's more."

Lexa hummed, her fingers playing with the edges of her sleeves. "After Costia died-" Lexa paused, a distant look appearing in her eyes. "After Costia died, I kept dreaming I was trapped in a burning building. Every night was the same, I could hear her calling to me so clearly, but I could never find her."

"How long?" Clarke asked her, silently hopeful that Lexa's nightmares ended quickly.

"I was still having them a year later." She revealed. "I still get them every now and again, but I learnt to see them for what they were."

"What they were?" Leaning down, Clarke took one of Lexa's hands in her own, her thumb brushing across the other girls knuckles.

"They were a punishment I was inflicting on myself." Clarke wasn't sure why the statement made her heart ache so much. "Even though consciously I'd accepted what happened wasn't my fault, it took a while to sink in subconsciously."

Clarke wanted to ask Lexa more. She wanted to find out why Lexa would blame herself for her girlfriends death. She didn't seem like the type of person Clarke was. Clarke could never imagine Lexa tainting everything she touched like she did. Dejectedly, Clarke pulled her hand off of Lexa's.

"You've been drawing." Lexa suddenly noted. A flush was instantly spreading across Clarke's cheeks as Lexa picked up her abandoned sketch book.

"I- Yeah, a bit, I-" She stuttered. Clarke could feel her blush deepening when Lexa's eyes widened at the image of herself staring back at her from the page. "It's not- It's not finished yet."

"You drew me?" Lexa's voice was quiet, and Clarke was sure she detected a hint of astonishment in it.

"Erm, yeah." Nervously, Clarke pulled at a loose thread on her bed sheet. "I hope you don't mind."

Lexa remained apparently lost in her own world, her eyes still darting across the picture in front of her. "You made me look beautiful."

The words were coming out before Clarke even realised what she's saying, but the look of absolute awe on Lexa's face left her without any regret.

"You are beautiful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to the kid a couple of gardens over who just had a five minute cooing match with a pigeon. Never change you adorable little freak.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter mentions self harm towards the end. To be fair though... This fic isn't exactly sunshine and rainbows, so if you are easily triggered by feelings of self doubt then this might not be the best fic for you to be reading!

 "I-" Lexa ducked her head, but not before Clarke saw the blush that was creeping across her cheeks. "Thank you."

"Any time. You weren't my first though." Clarke said. The other girl furrowed her brows as she looked up again, and Clarke nodded towards the pages of her sketchbook.

Lexa flipped the book to the first page and Clarke watched her reaction. She smiled when Lexa's green eyes widened at the drawing of Lincoln. "Your drawings really are incredible, Clarke."

Clarke felt her stomach flutter at the girl's praise. She quickly took a sip of the coffee to try and hide the smile on her face. "Well the new sketchbook helped, it also helped having such beautiful subjects."

"Are you calling Lincoln beautiful?"

Taking another gulp of the coffee in her hand, Clarke let the flavour roll over her tongue for a moment before dropping the cup onto the table next to her bed. "Lexa, he brought me art supplies, the boy has a beautiful soul."

"You are too." Lexa rushed out. "Beautiful I mean." Lexa took a visible breath, her shoulders rising and falling as she looked anywhere but at Clarke. "You're beautiful too."

A smirk pulled at Clarke's lips. "I was _not_ beautiful after not showering for two days, Lexa."

"I said you were beautiful Clarke, not that your smelt nice." Lexa retorted quickly. Clarke couldn't help laughing. "Have you thought about drawing your dreams?"

Abruptly Clarke's laughter stopped. She hoped the other girl hadn't spotted the panic she knew must have been in her eyes.

"I-" there was suddenly a lump in her throat, and Clarke tried to swallow it down. "On the back page."

Clarke didn't look up when she heard Lexa turning the pages. She didn't look up when she heard the small gasp fall from Lexa's lips either.

The details of the picture were still fresh in Clarke's mind. It was a violent abstract mixture of the dreams she had been having. In the centre was a torrent of water, spiralling upwards from the calm sea into the stormy clouds above it. Shark teeth swirled throughout the twisting water, and amongst them was the single bullet that had killed Wells and the watch that had been on her fathers wrist until the day he died. They were details that would undoubtedly slip past Lexa, but Clarke knew the two empty surf boards floating precariously close to the twisting mess of water wouldn't escape her attention.

"Clarke..."

"Raven wants to watch you two flirt." Anya suddenly called from the doorway. With the speed Lexa twisted around, Clarke was worried she might fall out of the seat completely. There was a strange tension in the room that Clarke couldn't quite describe. "Shit. I just interrupted something not flirty didn't I?"

"No," Clarke quickly denied, willing her hands to relax their grip on the bedsheets. "Not at all, let me grab my crutches and we'll be over."

Anya didn't look convinced, and she hesitated in the doorway until Clarke saw Lexa nod her head. It wasn't until Anya disappeared back into the corridor that Lexa slowly turned back to her with worried green eyes. "We don't have to go over there, Clarke."

"I know, I just-" Clarke cut herself off, unsure of how to explain the overwhelming feeling inside her chest.

"I want to help, Clarke, but it's okay if it's too much at once." Lexa said, her voice calm. Clarke could feel her hands loosening their hold on the sheets.

"Why? Why do you want to help me? I'm a-" Clarke had to look away from the brunette before she could continue. "I'm a mess Lexa, I was a mess before this happened and now..." Clarke paused, her fingers nervously pulling at the sleeves on her hoodie. "Now I don't even know what I am."

Lexa's hand moved to grip her own, pulling it away from her sleeve. The brunette's fingers curled between her own. "You're Clarke Griffin, the brave girl who put her own life at risk to save her friend. Why wouldn't I want to help you?"

"That's not an answer, Lexa." Clarke replied, squeezing Lexa's hand.

"Tell me what the bullet and watch mean and I'll tell you the real reason." Lexa said nonchalantly. Clarke felt her mouth drop open slightly in shock. Her thoughts suddenly halted, because Lexa _noticed_ them, in amongst the swirls of teeth she noticed there was something different. Clarke wasn't sure if she was ready to process that information on top of everything else yet. "Shall we go."

Numbly, Clarke nodded her head, frowning at the loss of Lexa's hand when the girl stood up.

Her wheel chair was still sitting in the corner of the room, and Clarke longed to just ask Lexa to wheel it over so she can collapse in it and let the other girl push her over to Raven's room. Her crutches were against her bed for a reason though. Clarke let out a defeated sigh. Her physio nurse had left them there for her start using for short distances.

"Help me up?" Clarke asked. It wasn't just that standing up on her own was still a struggle, a selfish part of her wanted to feel the warmth of Lexa's hands again.

What Clarke was not expecting, was for Lexa to lean down and hook her arm under hers and across her back. Having learnt how keenly observant Lexa apparently was, Clarke hoped she had a lapse in concentration when she wrapped her arm around her, because Clarke very audibly gasped at the contact. As the brunette helped her to her unsteady feet, Clarke could feel her heart pounding in her chest.

The faint smell of mint invaded Clarke's senses. She couldn't help taking in a long inhale at the calming scent.

"Are you going to take the crutch, Clarke?" Lexa asked, looking slightly perplexed at the blonde's inactivity. Clarke felt her face flush at being so caught up in the feel and smell of Lexa.

Lexa hovered close to her the whole way across the hall. It reminded Clarke of the first time they met in the hospital. A part of her considered tripping, if only to feel the safety of the brunettes arm wrapping around her again.

"Hey Griff." Raven smiled from the bed, her back propped up against pillows again. Clarke wasn't sure if Anya had told the girl about what she had walked in on, but she knew her face would have given her away anyway. "You good?"

"Yeah, fine, legs sore that's all." Clarke tried to reassure her. Lowering her body onto the chair next to Raven's bed, she smiled at Lexa as she took her crutches from her.

Raven didn't look convinced, but she didn't push the subject either. Instead she brings up something wholly more embarrassing. "So, have you smelt Clarke yet Lexa?"

One of the crutches in Lexa's hands fell to the floor. Clarke was sure she heard her let out a squeak as Anya started laughing. "Anya!"

"What? I couldn't keep that to myself!" Anya said.

Lexa glared at her adoptive sister. "Shall I tell Raven why you broke up with your boyfriend."

A look of horror passed across Anya's face, and Clarke marvelled at the pairs dynamic. "No, entirely unnecessary."

Raven raised her hand, wincing slightly at the movement. "Entirely necessary, Lexa, as your future friend in law," this time it was Clarke's face that flushed. She wasn't sure why she expected anything other than embarrassment when she agreed to go to Raven's room with Lexa. "Tell me _everything_."

Clarke's not sure if Lexa was about to cave or not, but the buzzing of Clarke's phone interrupted them all. Quickly, she pulled it out her pocket, smiling at the picture of Octavia staring back at her. "It's Octavia."

"Hey, you okay?" Clarke asked.

"I just had sex with Lincoln." Clarke choked on absolutely nothing, and she didn't miss the worry in Lexa's eyes.

"What the fuck Octavia? You met like two days ago!"

"What did she do? Did she do the nasty _already_?" Raven practically cackled whilst Anya and Lexa just looked on with equally disbelieving expressions on their faces.

"Was it too soon? Oh God, what if I've messed everything up? He was just so hot, and he's like the sweetest person I've ever met." Octavia started to ramble. Clarke couldn't help feeling happy for how smitten her friend clearly was.

"I thought you were just going for coffee?" Clarke asked, her voice straining as she tried to stop herself from laughing down the phone.

"Yeah, well we did, then things sort of escalated." Octavia coughed awkwardly, "Quickly." Clarke wondered just how fast things escalated _inside_ the coffee shop.

"Right, I'm here with Anya and Lexa, do you want me to ask them for advice?" Clarke said and both Lexa and Anya shook their heads vehemently.

"Oh God, no, don't you dare, I'm hanging up, then I'm going to live in a cave for the rest of my life." Then, as if she thought Anya and Lexa could hear her through the phone, Octavia dropped her voice to a whisper. "Call me once they're gone and I'll tell you all the details."

Clarke quickly said her goodbyes, suddenly hyper aware that everyone in the room had stopped talking for her.

"So, Octavia and Lincoln have officially hooked up." Raven said as soon as the phone was away from Clarke's ear. "And Lexa and Clarke are one double bed away from hooking up."

If her leg wasn't so exhausted from her earlier physio, Clarke would have stood up to hit the other girl. "Raven!"

"Looks like it's fate we get together honey." Raven winked at Anya. Clarke rolled her eyes.

"I'm still heartbroken over my breakup. Roan was very special to me." Anya said, completely devoid of emotion.

"And you're still heterosexual." Clarke said, glaring at Raven, but the other girl just waved her hands at her.

"Semantics, Clarke."

"I can't believe Lincoln slept with someone on the first date." Lexa muttered so quietly that Clarke wasn't sure she meant to say it out loud.

Anya's hand clampsed down on Lexa's shoulder, shaking the girl out of her trance like state. "It's okay Commander, once Clarke's out you can sleep with her on your first date."

Lexa's face practically glowed at the intensity of the blush across her cheeks.

There was an odd easiness between the four of them, and as Anya continued to tease her adoptive sister, Clarke couldn't help wondering if they were destined to meet in one way or another. Anya seemed to be doing Raven some good, and Clarke wasn't sure if her friend was serious about her crush on the other girl, but if Anya made Raven happy, Clarke would be nothing but encouraging. She smiled. Maybe it would distract some of Raven's attention away from Clarke's mother at least.

Then there was Lexa. Clarke stole a quick glance at the girl as she pouted at something Anya was saying to her.

_"I want to help Clarke"_

Clarke couldn't help feeling nervous. Lexa seemed to have been through loss and come out the other end alive. Meanwhile, Clarke was still drowning under the weight of her own losses from years earlier. She couldn't help feeling nervous that maybe it was too late for help.

* * *

After three more days of physio, Clarke was about ready to punch the nurse in the face. She knew it was just the woman's job, but Clarke wished she would stop being so chipper every time she successfully completed an exercise because it still _hurt like hell_ after every repetition.

Despite her reluctance at the start of every session, Clarke knew it was helping. In just three days she was already moving freely between hers and Raven's room without any help. Not that it stopped Clarke from asking Lexa to assist her standing up every time she came to visit.

The brunette was slowly becoming a constant in her life. Every morning before her shift, Lexa would drop into the hospital to deliver Clarke coffee. They touched on her dreams every morning, with Lexa refusing to hand over her coffee until she told her if she had dreamt about what happened again. Lexa never pushed her further than that, and Clarke knew the brunette was waiting for her to open up about them in her own time.

"Do you know why the doctor wants to see me?" Clarke asked her mom nervously.

"No, Dante called me this morning and asked if I could come in. Hopefully, it's some good news." A smile pulled across her mother's face. "You could use some."

They hadn't spoken about their argument, but Clarke wasn't surprised. They never did. To her relief her mom had avoided the subject of her dad altogether, but with every passing day she spent with Lexa, a part of Clarke was starting to wish that maybe her mom _would_ bring it up.

"Abby, Clarke, it's good to see you both again." Dr Wallace smiled at them both as he entered the room. "And you Clarke are looking _a lot_ better. Far more colour to you than when you came in."

"You wanted to see us?" Clarke pushed him straight towards the subject of why they were both there. Her heart had been fluttering all morning trying to figure out why he wanted to see her.

"I see she shares your patience, Abby." The doctor smiled wistfully. "Are you going to college Clarke?"

"Yeah. Arkdale." Her response was hesitant. She wasn't sure why her going to college had any relevance to her leg.

"Well, I have some great news for you. If you continue with your current progress we can discharge you next week. Just in time for college."

Clarke knew she should be feeling happy. Elated even. She was getting out after all. Instead, she just felt the dread and panic starting to swirl in the pit of her stomach. It was too soon, she couldn't possibly be _ready_ to leave.

"You'll need a brace, just a temporary one to help support your leg for a while..." Dr Wallace continued, and Clarke watched her mum as she nodded along with every word he said. Clarke couldn't hear them though, not over the sound of her blood pounding around her body.

"Clarke?" Her mom prompted, her hand squeezing her own. The doctor had finished talking without Clarke realising, and the smile on her mom's face started to fall as she took in her daughters distraught expression. "What's wrong?"

"What about Raven?" Clarke asked, her voice cracking. She willed the tears that were threatening to fall to stop.

"I- I'm sorry, Clarke. I can't talk about her case with you." Dante apologies. Patient confidentiality. Clarke knew it wasn't his fault, but she couldn't help the irrational bout of anger she felt towards him.

"When is Raven getting out?" Clarke continued to push. Raven wasn't even out of bed yet, there was no way she would be getting out at the same time.

"I'm Raven's legal guardian," her mother's voice didn't waver, her eyes set steady on Dr Wallace. "How long?"

"Another couple of weeks." He looked at Clarke regretfully. "At least"

It meant Raven would miss the start of college. Clarke felt her heart breaking. After everything Raven had been through, her only dreams had been making it out of their town alive. College had been so far out of Raven's reach. It had been Clarke's mom that pulled out all the stops to make sure Raven had a place and now-

Clarke took in a shuddery breath, willing her heart to stop pounding so hard in her chest.

"Raven's next on my list. I'm sorry, Clarke." Dante apologised. "Abby?" He nodded towards the door, and Clarke needed her mum to stay, she _needed_ her, but she knew Raven was about to need her more.

"I'll be over in a moment." Her mom informed him before looking down at Clarke worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine mom." Clarke lied. She wasn't even close to being fine, and her hands were starting to clam up as her anxiety kept growing.

"Raven will be okay, I'll speak to the college, they'll be fine with her joining them a couple of weeks late." Her mom tried to reassure her. Clarke did her best to smile back convincingly, but she knew her eyes gave her away.

"I'll be back soon okay? Just-" her mom pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead, "I'll be back."

Clarke could feel her lip quivering as she watched her mom leave. Bringing her hands to her face, she willed the tears not to fall. She couldn't break. Raven wass going to need her.

Her thoughts were starting to overwhelm her. Raven was going to need her, but she was going to be released. She wasn't going to be able to help. The sting in Clarke's eyes started to get worse. She was struggling to breathe against the weight on her chest.

Would Raven resent her? The thought alone made Clarke want to crumple in on herself because what if Raven didn't want to see her when she was released? What if it was going to be too much for her friend to see her getting better whilst she was still lying in a hospital bed?

What if Clarke got released and she found herself alone?

Desperately, Clarke tried to inhale. The best way she could help Raven was if she stayed. The only way she could stay was if she stopped making progress. The best way to stop making progress would be to go back a few steps.

Clarke looked down at her leg and a thought of what she could do to hinder her progress struck her. Reaching down, she pulled off the gauze that was still covering her stitches.

Biting into her lip, Clarke positioned her leg against the railing. She braced her hands against the bed and prepared herself for the pain she was undoubtedly about to feel.

Before she could think her way out of it, or even fully comprehend the repercussions of what she was about to do, Clarke pushed her leg with everything has into the rail and dragged it down. Instantly, her mouth filled with the taste of copper as she bit right through her lip. The pain was unbearable, and Clarke was sure she could feel the stitches popping open with every fraction of a millimetre her leg moved.

Another stitch popped, and Clarke's body fell onto the bed completely boneless. The agony of her leg too much to bear.

There was an unfamiliar warmth spreading around her leg. She knew it was from the blood now spilling from her reopened wound. Clarke was going to be sick, and she desperately tried to blink away the blackness that was starting to cloud her vision.

She going was into shock, Clarke knew the symptoms well enough. Reaching out, she grabbed the call button with her trembling hand and quickly hit the button.

The sound of pounding feet was the last last thing she heard before drifting into unconsciousness.

* * *

"Well that was stupid."

Clarke opened her eyes and groaned at the sight of the bright blue sky. She was dreaming. _Again._

Waves were lapping at her hands as she lay flat on her surfboard.

"Like, a whole new level of stupid." Raven was angry, and Clarke moved her head to look at her friend.

"I wanted to help you." She tried to explain, but Raven was already shaking her head.

"No. You didn't." Out the corner of her eye, Clarke could already see the sky turning darker. "The beach is right there, Clarke. Yet you're still out here."

"I did this for you." Clarke's voice cracked. She desperately wanted Raven to understand. She did it to stay with her, she didn't want to abandon her friend. She didn't want her friend to abandon her.

"You did this for yourself. You don't want to face what's happened, any of it, you would rather hide out here on the ocean letting yourself-"

There were tears falling down Clarke's cheeks, and Clarke just wanted Raven to stop. That wasn't the truth. It _couldn't_ be. "Raven stop." She begged.

"-get punished for things that aren't your fault. So don't act like this was for me, Clarke. This is just you punishing yourself." Raven continued to rant, her eyes blazing. iClarke couldn't remember ever seeing the brunette look so angry with her before.

She had to say something, _anything_ to defend herself. "Please, Raven."

"Oh look, it's back."

The surfboard disappeared from underneath Clarke before she could fully comprehend what Raven had said. Desperately, Clarke pulled at the water that was suddenly surrounding her, frantically trying to swim back to the surface.

* * *

Clarke woke slowly. Her head was pounding. She wasn't sure how long she slept, but her whole body still felt completely drained.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?" Her mom's voice made Clarke jerk awake fully. She winced as the movement jostled her leg.

"Mom?" Blinking her eyes open, Clarke creased her brow. Her mom looked angry, and Clarke couldn't figure out why.

"You lost over a pint of blood, Clarke. You could have died, and for what? A few extra days in hospital?"

It all started to come back. Clarke remembered how completely helpless she felt when Dr Wallace told her Raven wouldn't be released for weeks. She remembered tearing the bandage off her leg. She remembered _everything_ Raven said to her in her dream.

Her head started to throb at her racing thoughts.

"I, I didn't-" Clarke tried to explain herself, but just like when Raven confronted her in her dream, she found herself stumbling over her own words.

"Because that's the only explanation I can think of, that you _want_ to be here." Her mom stood up and looked down at her accusingly.

"No, mum, no it's not like that."

"Then what is it like?"

"I-" Clarke's mouth hung open as words failed her once more. "I don't, I-"

"I'm going to see, Raven. All she knows is your stitches came undone." Her mom wouldn't drop this, Clarke knew she would be back. What Clarke had done had pushed her too far for her not to bring it back up. "She was worried about you."

Her mother left without saying any thing else, and Clarke pushed her head back into the pillow. This time she didn't fight the tears. An ugly sob erupted from her chest. Everything was crashing around her. She hated everything. She hated that life kept hurting her so much, that it kept hurting the people she loved so much.

It wasn't not fair.

Clarke covered her mouth as another sob threatened to escape. It was too much, and Clarke wished the world would just stop and let her catch up. She was tired of running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That took a bit of a dark twist didn't it?
> 
> For those of you that follow me on tumblr, you might have seen what happened to me on the night of April 10th. I would like you all to know that my toe and my general well being are okay. Since the incident I have manage to both drink and make a cup of tea again. I was thinking of opening a donation page to help me purchase a new kettle, but one has already been purchased for me. Thank you for your support during this distressing time, I am also now back to wearing shoes and not slippers to work #classy


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, sorry for the late posting. I've been writing a season three canon divergent fic called [Holon](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5940622/chapters/13659613) and it's kinda taken over everything.
> 
> Now, PSA time. All going well the next chapter will be up in a couple of weeks, which is after the last episode of season three airs. I know I'm repeating what you've probably read before, but I think we're all aware that we're going to see Lexa dying again. It's going to suck, and it's going to hurt, and I'm really not looking forwards to how knowing it's over for good is going to feel. If that's the sort of thing that you know or even suspect is going to trigger you, then don't risk watching it. I'm going to be avoiding watching it for that very reason. Remember that your mental health is far more important than a TV show.

 Clarke woke to the smell of coffee. Lexa must have already arrived, and she lazily smiled when she opened her eyes.

Except. It wasn't Lexa sat beside her.

"Niylah?" Clarke gasped in surprise, quickly pulling the covers up higher. "I- Hi."

"I heard what happened and as you weren't answering my _texts_ , I thought I'd bring you some coffee instead." Niylah explained. Clarke feels her face flush with guilt. It wasn't like Niylah was the only person she had been ignoring. Essentially, any message or call from anyone but Octavia, Bellamy or Lexa had gone ignored.

"Coffee?" The girl offered. Sitting herself up in the bed, Clarke took the cup from her.

"Thanks." Clarke said. It was exactly the way Clarke usually took her coffee, but when she took a sip, she couldn't help comparing it to the blend Lexa had been bringing her every morning.

Clarke smiled when she spotted the paper bag sat on Niylah's lap. "Is that what I think it is?" She asked excitedly, and all remnants of sleep quickly disappeared from her system.

"If you're thinking it's muffins from my dad's shop, then you would be exactly right." Niylah chuckled at her, reaching inside the bag to hand one to Clarke. "Here."

The coffee was instantly forgotten on the table next to her bed. Clarke quickly unwrapped the muffin, her mouth watering at the tiny peaks of fresh blueberries within it.

"Oh my gawd shese are so gowd." Clarke mumbled around her first mouthful, letting out a sinful groan.

"There's three more in here. Use them wisely, Griffin." Niylah smirked at her. Clarke nodded her head, chewing on the muffin in her mouth.

"I love you." Clarke announced before taking another bite.

Niylah smiled widely. "Was that directed at me or the muffin?"

The muffin almost spilt out Clarke's mouth when she replied. "Bowf."

Niylah laughed before letting Clarke devour the rest of the muffin in silence. Occasionally the older girl would glance at her with playful eyes as she flicked through her phone whilst she waited.

"So how are you?" Niylah asked once Clarke finished swallowing the last piece of muffin with a swig of coffee.

"Good, I'm doing good." Clarke replied. One of Niylah's eyebrows rose, and Clarke smiled at her sheepishly.

"You were bitten by a shark, Clarke, so I'm pretty sure that's not the truth."

"I-"

"Don't want to talk about it?” Niylah interrupted. “Yeah I know how you get, I remember how you were after your friend was shot." Niylah stated easily, but Clarke felt her throat close up at the reminder of that time. "You still don't talk about it?"

"No." Clarke replied simply.

After helplessly watching Wells and Charlotte die, Clarke had completely shut down. It had been just a couple of months earlier that she had called things off with Finn. Her and Raven were quickly becoming close friends, but not even the brunette could help drag Clarke out of the dark hole she had found her life in. Wells had died, and she had done nothing to stop it.

When Clarke had gone to Niylah's bakery after school everyday, it had been to buy the muffins Wells had loved so much. It felt like she was closer with him every time she ate them. One day Niylah had closed up the shop whilst Clarke was still there, locking the door and asking Clarke why she was there everyday.

It had been Clarke who made the first move. She needed something, _anything_ to forget how messy her life had become, and Clarke would be lying if she said she hadn't been attracted to Niylah before that night. Niylah was only a couple of years older, clearly attracted to Clarke too, and Clarke had taken advantage of that.

Niylah didn't seem to mind though, fully understanding when she woke up to finding Clarke pulling her clothes back on in the middle of the night. It happened three more times after that, until Clarke finally opened up and told her about Wells being shot. Then everything with Raven's mum had started, and Clarke had quickly thrown herself into helping her friend rather than dealing with the subtle feelings she had been developing for Niylah.

"Well, I'm still around if you want to not talk." Niylah gently suggested. The older girls fingers ran up Clarke's arm, and Clarke couldn't help the way her body automatically shivered.

Maybe if it had been a few days ago, Clarke would have twined their hands together and pulled the other girl into a kiss. Except it wasn't a few days ago any more. This was her life post Lexa and Clarke shook her head, moving her arm away from the blonde. "Niylah..."

It was then that Lexa walked into the room. She halted when she spotted Clarke and Niylah.

"Hi." Lexa said, her eyes darting between the two of them and the empty cup of coffee that was on Clarke's bed side table.

"Looks like you didn't need that coffee after all." Niylah smiled. Clarke felt her face flush.

"Niylah, this is Lexa. She's the lifeguard who pulled me out of the water." Clarke said. Niylah raised her hand and waved happily at the still frozen girl. "Lexa this is Niylah, a- er- an old friend."

"Less of the old, thank you." Niylah said. Clarke didn't miss the way Niylah looked between them both. "I should go, I left dad at the shop."

Clarke wasn't surprised when Niylah leant over her, her lips pressing a brief kiss to her cheek. Lexa's whole body seemed to stiffen at the move. It _did_ surprise her when Niylah moved her lips next to her ear to whisper into it though.

"Don't think we're not talking about _her,_ Clarke." Niylah whispered teasingly. Clarke felt her face blushing even harder.

"It was lovely to meet you, Lexa." Niylah said confidently as she walked past the mute girl, her hips swaying way more than Clarke knew was necessary as she left.

"I- You already have coffee?" Lexa stuttered to her.

"Yeah, it's not the same though." Clarke tried to joke, but Lexa just stayed where she was looking between the two cups of coffee. "Lexa, hey, come sit down."

Slowly Lexa walked towards her bed, and Clarke almost rolled her eyes at the way she scowled down at the seat before sitting in it.

"So... Was that your- Is she your?"

"Girlfriend?" Clarke provided. Once again she was amazed at the way Lexa seems to swing between entirely confident to hopelessly nervous. "We had a-" Clarke quickly tried to think of the best way to describe what she and Niylah had without scaring Lexa off. "We had a _thing_ a couple of years ago."

"Are you, still a, thing?" Lexa asked, her hands fiddling with the plastic top of the coffee.

"No." Wincing slightly, Clarke leant forwards to take the cup out of Lexa's hands. "Plus, her dad might bake the best muffins in the bay, but," taking a sip of the coffee, Clarke made sure to let out a deep groan. "All the time you bring me this coffee, my heart is firmly yours."

"So all the time you're here, I have to keep bringing you coffee?" Lexa asked, a hint of a smile finally pulling at her lips.

"Yup." Clarke said before taking another sip of the warm liquid.

With a thoughtful look on her face, Lexa tilted her head slightly. "How long are you here for anyway?"

"I-" Clarke could feel the pulsing of the the fresh stitches in her leg. One week should have been her answer, but she knew Dr Wallace was going to have to reassess her. "I'm not sure..."

Clarke shifted uncomfortably, the discomfort in her leg suddenly too much for her. Carefully she pulled it above the covers, wincing as the new stitches caught on bandage.

Lexa's brow creased in confusion. "Is your leg okay?"

"What? Yeah, its, it's fine." Clarke quickly lied. Years of lying made it easy for her to cover up the truth without even really thinking about it.

"The bandage, it's thicker than the one you had yesterday." Lexa continued to push. Clarke swallowed nervously, because she should have known the other girl would have picked up on such a subtle detail.

"Hey Griff-ster!" Raven's voice suddenly interrupted them, and Clarke looked down in shock when she spotted her friend in the doorway.

"Raven!?" Clarke exclaimed at the sight of Raven sitting in a wheelchair. "What are you doing here?"

"Hey Sexy Lexi," Raven greeted, winking at the flummoxed brunette as she wheeled herself into the room. "The doc told me I could start using this bad boy, thought after you managed to bust open your stitches last night I'd come to you today."

Clarke grimaced. She didn't miss the way Lexa's eyes snapped straight back to her. "You busted open your stitches?"

"A bit-" She tried to defend herself.

"A bit? Clarke you had to go back into surgery!" Raven said, completely oblivious to the tension that Clarke could feel radiating off Lexa. "She lost like a litre of blood or whatever."

"I- I should probably go." Lexa said abruptly. Clarke felt her heat sinking at the light sheen of tears in Lexa's eyes.

"Lexa," wincing again, Clarke tried to sit up further, and reach out for the brunettes hand. "Lexa wait-"

"I'll call you later, Clarke." Lexa muttered. Before Clarke could potentially beg her not to leave, she was already scurrying out the door.

"Shit, did she not know?" Raven asked. The chair turns easily under her hands as she looked between Clarke and the direction Lexa walked off in.

"No..."

"It'll be fine, the girls like crazy for you." Raven brushed it off easily, her hands running over the handles of the chair.

"Yeah, yeah sure." Clarke smiled, not wanting Raven to catch on. "How are you? What's with the wheelchair?"

"I. Am. Feeling. Great. Especially now I've got my wheels." As if to prove her point, Raven spun the chair in a circle. "God my arms are going to burn later when these new painkillers wear off."

"Raven, your stitches are going to burn later..." Clarke warned. Raven let out a puff of air and stopped her spinning.

"Yeah, I know." Slowly wheeling the chair towards the bed, Raven looked up at Clarke. "What about you? What the hell happened last night?"

Clarke opened her mouth, once, twice, willing herself to tell Raven the truth.

I slipped, when I was getting out of bed to see you."

"That's it?" There was a tone of disbelief in Raven's voice, and Clarke tried her best to ignore it.

"Yep, that's it."

Raven's face hardened. Clarke flinched at the glare she pinned her with. "Just an accident?"

"Yep. So what did the doctor say, about your leg?" Clarke quickly pushed on, once again trying to distract Raven attention away from her. Raven didn't believe her. Clarke was sure of it, but at the mention of her leg Raven just looked at her in confusion.

"Your mom didn't tell you?"

"No, when I woke up last night I was pretty groggy, so..." The lying shouldn't come this easy to her, and the guilt swirling in Clarke's stomach was getting worse.

"Right." Raven definitely didn't believe her, but Clarke was thankful that she just brushed over it. "I should be out in three weeks, earlier if I'm lucky."

The statement left Clarke breathless. Three weeks. Three weeks and Raven would be out. If she had just waited until the doctor had spoken to Raven-

Clarke quickly cut the thought of, willing it out of her head. "That's, that's great Raven."

"Yeah, I mean, I have to leave in a wheelchair and do my physio in the city, but it beats waiting around here." Raven said happily before her expression dropped into a frown. "So I was thinking about college... I'm applying for a room on the ground floor. Do you- I wasn't sure, so I thought I'd ask first-"

Clarke started to panic. "Raven. Ask what?"

"Do you still want to room with me?"

Relief washed over Clarke, before giving way to confusion. "Why wouldn't I want to room with you?"

"You wanted a room with a balcony, Clarke, you were _very_ specific." Raven replied, rocking on her chair slightly. Clarke couldn't help laughing.

"I also said I wanted a room with you, and despite the criminal lack of balcony sunbathing I'll have access to, I'm always going to choose you first, Raven."

"Yeah?" Raven asked, her voice small.

"Yeah-" a small flicker of doubt flashed across Clarke's mind. "Do you still want me to room with you?" She nervously asked.

"Not really, I was hoping to have really loud sex with Anya in there."

"You are _not_ gay." Clarke joked, throwing the discarded napkin from her muffin at the brunette.

Throwing it straight back, Raven just beamed up at her. "You're just jealous I never came onto you."

"You're damn right I am!"

* * *

"Clarke?"

Blinking the sleep out of her eyes, Clarke tried to concentrate on the person standing besides her bed. "Mom?"

Her mother looked at her cautiously, as if she was expecting Clarke to tell her to leave the room. It took a few moments of her mom's worried eyes tracing her face before she finally sat upon the bed.

"How are you?" Her mom asked, and Clarke didn't miss the subtle glance down at the bandage wrapping around her leg.

It hurt. The nurses had offered her more painkillers when Raven had returned to her room for physio, but Clarke had refused them. Despite drifting in and out of consciousness all afternoon, she didn't want to be in a drug induced sleep when Lexa called her.

 _If_ Lexa called her.

"I'm fine." Clarke tried to smile. She wasn't sure why her mom as there. Clarke knew she must have still been angry at her for the night before.

A tense silence settled between them. Clarke wondered if she should apologise. Or maybe she should try and explain why she did what she did. Her mother beat her to it though.

"I'm sorry." Her mom said, her voice wavering. It surprised Clarke to see the tears gathering in her eyes. "I'm sorry for the way I acted yesterday, Clarke. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have treated you like that."

"Mom it's fine-" Clarke quickly went to interrupt.

"No, no sweetie," her mom cut in again. "You," reaching out, her mum gripped onto her hand. "You are the most important person in the world to me, Clarke. You always have been. From that first moment I held you in my arms I've loved you, and I never-" sniffling loudly, her mom paused. Clarke could see her shoulders rising and falling as she tried to control her breathing. "I _never_ want you to feel like that's not true, and I _never_ want you to feel like you can't talk to me."

Taking a deep breath, Clarke prepared herself for what she was about to do. Talking to Lexa _had_ helped. Opening up to her about her dreams made her feel _better, more at peace with them. E_ ven though Clarke still questioned whether she deserved the feeling or not, she couldn't deny how much lighter talking made her feel.

Maybe it was time she stopped lying about how she was feeling to everyone. Maybe it was time she started talking.

"I was scared." Clarke quietly admitted. "About leaving here. About leaving Raven."

"Oh honey." Her mom smiled sadly before her hands cradled Clarke's face and her lips pressed a kiss against her forehead. "You're going to be fine, okay? You're strong, Clarke."

Nodding her head gently, Clarke lifted her hand to brush the tears off her own cheek. "I know." She agreed, despite her heart and head trying to tell her otherwise. "Mom, could we- When I'm out of here, could we-" stumbling over her words slightly, Clarke let her hands pick distractedly at the sheet beneath her. "Could we talk about dad?"

Her mother's mouth fell open. Clarke knew the tears slipping down her face were from happiness. "Yes, yes we can."

Smiling at her mom, Clarke pulled at her arms until they wrapped around her. It was a small step, one Clarke knew they should have made months ago, but for the first time in years it felt like talking to her mom about her dad might be something she actually wanted.

* * *

The sound of her phone ringing had Clarke waking abruptly. She gasped of pain as her leg jerked against the bed.

Clarke's dream hadn't really started to take hold, but she remembered being on the ocean again. Squinting at the small screen in the dark, Clarke felt her heart clench when she saw Lexa's name shining back at her.

"Hey." Lexa nervously greeted.

"Lexa, hi." Clarke replied. Silence was all she heard in response. Minutes seemed to pass, and Clarke bit into her lip before continuing. "I'm sorry Lexa, I don't know why I-"

"No, Clarke," Lexa quickly cut her off. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have walked away... I..." Clarke could hear sirens on the other end of the phone. She creased her brow in confusion when the same noise came from outside her window. "Can I come in?"

"You're here?" She whispered. It was dark out, so Lexa should definitely _not_ be in the hospital.

"Yeah, I- It seemed like a good idea." Lexa quickly mumbled.

"Yeah, yeah sure." Clarke said, and the phone immediately disconnected.

Lexa's head popped around the corner of the door. "Hi." She whispered, tiptoeing into the room before quietly shutting the door behind her.

"Hi." Clarke replied. She couldn't help wondering if maybe she hadn't actually woken up and this was part of a dream. "Did you sneak in?"

"Yeah, it's kinda past visiting hours." Lexa's hand scratched at the back of her neck. "Do you want go somewhere?"

"Lexa, I can't-"

"Yeah, you can. Come on." Lexa paused, looking around the room. Clarke watched her as she walked over to the wheelchair, quickly unfolding it. "Get in." She lightly ordered, wheeling the chair beside Clarke's bed.

Grunting, Clarke swung her leg over the side of the bed. She was about to try and get out of the bed on her own when Lexa stepped forwards to hook her arm around Clarke's back. Selfishly, Clarke leant her body into the brunettes more than necessary, greedily inhaling the smell of mint.

Before leaving, Clarke watched curiously as Lexa pulled the cover off the bed. Silently, Lexa handed Clarke the still warm bundle of material.

"Where are we going?" Clarke asked when Lexa carefully pulled open the door and poked her head out.

"It's a surprise." Lexa whispered before quickly setting off down the corridor with Clarke's wheelchair in front of her.

Clarke still remembered the layout of the hospital from her time there as a child. She knew the only thing in the direction Lexa was pushing her was the elevator. Her theory was quickly proven right, and she couldn't help smiling when she hears the girl behind her impatiently tapping her foot as they waited for the doors to slide open. It seemed to take forever, and Clarke knew at any second one of the nurses could catch them.

Both of them let of a sigh of a relief when the elevator opened to an empty carriage. Lexa pushed her straight in.

They rode in silence with Lexa nervously watching the light move up the floors without stopping There was only one thing up there, and Clarke smiled at the prospect.

"The roof?" Clarke asked when the doors finally opened again.

Lexa didn't reply, and pushed Clarke straight out of the elevator. There was a set of double doors in front of them. Clarke could already feel the cool night air biting at her bare feet.

"Oh thank God." The brunette muttered when she pushed against the doors, only for them to open easily.

"You had no idea if that would work did you?" Clark asked.

Lexa let out a non committal grunt and continued to wheel Clarke out onto the roof top.

As they reached the edge, Lexa took the blanket out of Clarke's arms before laying it on the floor for them. Slipping her arm around Clarke again, Lexa helped her to the ground.

Clarke was only slightly disappointed when Lexa sat on the far edge of the blanket, leaving as much distance between them as possible.

Clarke observed the lights of the town flickering in front of her. If she closed her eyes she could just about hear the sound of the sea. Leaning back on her arms, she listened to the night around them.

"It's peaceful up here." She commented.

"Yeah." Lexa said distractedly, and when Clarke opened her eyes she noticed Lexa was in the same position as her. The brunette's beauty caught Clarke off guard again. "I'm sorry for walking away, Clarke. When I realised you lied to me I was just, _upset."_ Pausing, Lexa looked up at the sky for a moment. "Anya's already shouted at me for being childish." Lexa added, and Clarke knew the blush covering her cheeks wasn't from the night air.

Shaking her head, Clarke quickly tried to quell the other girl's worry. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you, it's just been an intense 24 hours and- Sometimes I just find it easier to pretend I'm fine- and it sort of happened before I even realised I was doing it."

Looking back at Lexa, Clarke almost lost herself in the deep green of her eyes. "You don't have to pretend you're fine with me, Clarke."

"Why?" Clarke asked quietly.

"Because, we're friends." Lexa said, moving closer until she could lightly knock her shoulder into Clarke's. She didn't move back afterwards, and Clarke could feel the warmth of her arm next to hers.

She though about lying again and just giving Lexa the same story she had given Raven. If she did, they could just spend time on the roof, the two of them together pretending they didn't have a care in the world. Or she could finally start trying to take a hold of her life. Clarke had done it with her mother, and even though the thought of talking to her about her dad still made Clarke's stomach roll, she was still going to do it.

"It wasn't an accident, I did it to myself." Clarke practically whispered.

"Clarke..." Lexa let her sentence drift off.

"I know. I won't do it again, I just- I was _scared_ and I didn't feel like I deserved to leave whilst Raven was going to be stuck in here." Clarke continued, keeping her eyes trained forwards in shame.

"You don't deserve to be in pain either." Lexa whispered. Clarke let out an exhale of air, shaking her head lightly. "Hey, look at me." Lexa demanded, and Clarke slowly turned back, trying not to gasp when Lexa's hand cupped her cheek. "What happened was out of your control. You don't need to punish yourself, you don't need to be in hospital to be there for Raven."

"What if she hates me?" Clarke quietly asked, her lip quivering with emotion.

Lexa's thumb started to slowly swipe across Clarke's cheek. The blonde leant her head into the intimate touch. "She won't."

"You can't be sure of that, Lexa."

"Of course I can. She told Anya that it," Lexa cleared her throat and Clarke could see the blush returning to her face again. "She told Anya that it sucked 'major cheese balls' that you weren't going to be able to go home."

A moment passed between them, and Clarke could feel the corners of her mouth curving upwards. She tried to hold it back, she truly did, but there was no stopping the laughter that erupted out of her throat.

Pouting, Lexa removed her hand from Clarke's face. "Clarke, stop."

"No, that was the funniest thing I've heard." Tears prickled at Clarke's eyes as she held onto her cramping stomach.

"I was trying to be serious." Lexa said. Clarke can practically _hear_ the pout in her voice.

"Try not saying major cheese balls next time."

Slowly a smile broke out on Lexa's face as well, and in the next moment Clarke forgets how to breathe.

Lexa's laugh rung out in the quiet air around her. Clarke thinks it could possibly be the most beautiful sound she's ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke-y bear is finally opening up!
> 
> Her mum wasn't meant to apologise in this chapter, but I got so sick of the show dragging Clarke down that I had to push it in here. Also... The next chapter (maybe the chapter after) they finally leave the hospital, bonza! Time for college!

**Author's Note:**

> *insert Jaws theme*
> 
> Find me on the Tumblrs under [AmyBot3000](http://amybot3000.tumblr.com/) where you can ask questions or generally watch me from a far.


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